i hate computers

2004-11-23 9:18 a.m.

Technology is going to be the death of us.

Anyone who knows me well enough to see me angry (a general rarity) will have heard my famous quote �I fucking hate computers� or sometimes �Fuck Technology� or something along that line. It generally baffles people to hear it from me as I tend to be their tech go-to guy.

Computer questions and problems, ideas for gifts for geeks, questions about the direction of technology, general geek conversation involving gadgetry or machinery based on computers, I tend to be a source for my peers. And on occasion, a small few are allowed the pleasure to hear my true feelings about it all. Worthless.

Now, I generally also feign away from the naysayers and the paranoid scifi writers who love to make artificial intelligence some maniacal murderer destined to rid the earth of it's most horrid virus, being us. Only we could come up with something so absurd. Sorry folks, computers just aren't that vindictive, nor will they be any time soon.

As a matter of fact, they're incapable of getting to that point simply because we're incapable of getting them to that point. Computers are very stupid machines. They know nothing and they do nothing. On a very low level they flip switches on and off all day. Comparing them to one another is basically comparing which one can flip more switches per millisecond. That's it� on and off. Not too bright.

Now, the true unfortunate end of this is how we allow them to control our lives. They should NEVER dictate. NEVER.

My frustrations are based on a stupid little problem this morning. It's not the first time something like this has happened, and it's going to get far worse before it ever improves. If it ever improves.

This morning, it was time to get back to business. My hiatus is over. My trip is over. My recent distractions are still VERY distracting, but in a good way. A good enough way that I'm even more inspired to make shit happen. So, as all businesses do, I start at the bottom line.

I check the markets. I'm up about 15%. Should make for a decent Christmas. I check my savings. Interest tallied. $6 is $6. Pack of smokes in NY. A drink in a seemingly inescapable hazel wonderland. 60 old school gumballs, or 120 depending on how old school.

I get online and pay a few bills. Cable / Internet, Phone, Business Card, Personal Card� Boom. $1300 computed by a bunch of tiny electronic switches and zipped across the world in different directions until they end up pieced together in someone else's box-o-switches, which they will in turn disperse to their collectors and employees and so on. Clear balance and hence a clear head. Financial freedom is a motherfucker.

Ok, all good. Damn, Thanksgiving's coming which means I'll need to buy lobster in a couple days. Let's make sure the money's right�

Near empty. Where that $1300 is will soon be a mystery to a bunch of silly little machines that do nothing but flip switches all day. Soon they will send signals to a monitor to display a lil red flag next to my name in front of some kid making shit for money, who gets headaches from staring at the screen all day, hoping to move up in the world soon or at least get a job that doesn't involve looking for flags next to people's names. Some more automated systems will get on their way to ensuring I pay hundreds of tiny fees for a mere clerical error.

Problem number one, partially unrelated. My landlord. I actually like the guy. Guys actually, there's two of them � I just see one more often since he owns the shop downstairs. Both really nice guys, who get things done whenever I ask and never bother me. Unfortunately, they deposit the rent check anywhere between right away and 5 weeks late. This time it was 5 weeks late, LONG after I'd forgotten all about it.

And so the real problem of problem number one is that my bank account is suddenly down to $300. It was at $1700 on Friday. And now� well, now I need to come up with a grand before the world wakes up, boots up, and pisses on my shoes. Now, I know my landlord didn't deposit the check yesterday and it's suddenly gone today. No, he probably deposited it last Monday, and for whatever the fuck reason, it takes 5 days for banks to have their switch-boxes tell each other that a check came in. It's not like they're transporting bricks of gold from one bank to another to back the payment. No. They're transporting grouped sets of on's and off's� Ones and motherfucking Zeros.

And it takes 5 damned days. Even more if a weekend finds a way in there somewhere. In that time, I went to a little island near Venezuela , had the time of my life, ate a lot of crab, had some drink, and then I came all the way the fuck back. 4 planes, 3 airports, a couple cabs, all types of fairly inefficient modes of transportation. 3 Days� Half of which was unsober or asleep. And it takes 5 � 7 days to clear a check.

So I called The CC Company. And here begins my rant�

�I just made a payment through your site for $800. There's no money in my account, so can you please cancel that payment?�

�No�

���

���

� (my disappointed and confused laugh sneaks out before I can catch it)

�No?�

�No, I'm sorry sir, if you made the payment on line there's nothing we can do.�

�Are you sure?�

�I'm sure, sir�

�I mean� do you have to check with anyone? Maybe a manager? Tech Support? Web Developer? Your uncle Jim? Anyone?�

�I'm sorry sir, there's nothing that can be done.�

�Doesn't it bother you that I'm going to get off this phone as an unsatisfied customer? Can't you put me on hold and twiddle your thumbs or something so I feel like you care? �

Look, I'm sorry man, I'm being a dick. I'm not mad at you, obviously, but this is frustrating. Anyways... thanks for your time� have a good holiday weekend.�

�Thank you sir, you too�

I felt a lil bad. But not really. I really wanted to be put on speaker phone and let it be known how useless it is to have human beings at a business that allows computers to run their processes.

If there is ANYTHING you CAN NOT do for your customer because of a computer system, then you are a FAILURE. You have failed at the number one rule of business� and life�

You're dealing with human beings.

Think about that for a second. Humans. We don't flip switches all day. Or at least we're not built to. We have problems that your systems WILL NOT solve. They won't. They're not capable, nor will they be.

You see, the programming industry is obsessed with coming up with the perfect design that will eventually capture every problem, error and issue that a human could possibly conjure. There's methodologies and infrastructures that are built upon each other that attempt to failsafe the shit out of each other to make sure that your programs... big or small... will run forever without a hitch. These things are built into everything. Your watch, your car, Your ipod or even cd player, your alarm clock, the corner store register (or calculator if you're in Brooklyn) and the bank's systems. And all these systems eventually attempt to turn a human's actions into a group of one's and zeros. And if it can't figure out how, it regurgitates its own guts and shits an eyeball with some retarded error message that Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Steve Wozniak could spend a decade studying and never quite understand.

Don't fucking tell me that I can't cancel a payment. Fuck you. YOU can't cancel my payment, but SOMEONE CAN. Just because you don't understand the system doesn't make it better than you, or more powerful than you. It's just a fucking box of switches. Ah yes, that's what that disappointed laugh meant.

Anyways. So I checked my stack of mail and happened to have a check from a client. Half way there. I IM'd a client in Australia who's owed me loot for who knows how long. Bam. He paypals the money and within the time it takes me to put some pants on and go across the street, I have his money and my client's check is deposited.

Now here's a fucked little addition. I just got money from some guy who's on some island 17 million light years away from New York in about 10 seconds. I could have stayed home and spent every cent a half a second later online had I so inclined. But a check from a guy in Boston (4 hour drive away), WITH THE SAME BANK is going to take 3 � 5 days to �clear'.

So don't tell me you CAN'T do shit for me. These things are possible. Quit hiding behind your inability to control your switchbox and DEAL with the FUCKING PROBLEM.

Now, I realize that there are seemingly two opposing ends of this rant. On one end, I have some guy telling me how incapable he is. On the other end, computers have saved me from his incapability. This is where you have misread me. It's actually a friend / client in Australia who helped me, er at least finally paid me � not the computer. The system just did what it was told, as it was built to do. And that's what computers do. They are our electronic assistants. The flip the switches for us. That's it. They can't dictate what we can and can't do. They have no power. They have no priority. They're not smarter than us, or better than us. They are a product of us.

Happy Eat-a-mess-of-food-with-family-and-friends-till-you-pass-out day.