Long Drive

2004-10-22 4:16 a.m.
It's a familiar sound - even to a non-drinker. 4 ice cubes rattling into an empty glass, a frozen bottle of belvedere filling half - with the fizz of some club soda softening its way to the brim. The scratch of a flint and the burnin of the excess paper at the end of this newport. Ahhh.. balance.

No need to show me the line officer, I'll dance circles around you - just don't check my breath. Trust me, I'm drivin fine.

I can't believe I'm going to be 26 in 2 weeks. I think I started this thing when I was about 21. I'm far too lazy to look back and find out for sure. I'm on the brink of moving forward again, and the weight of it tests and tempts consistenly.

The other day I couldn't get my head straight and decided to crack the bottle of belvie to center myself. Little did I know that 4 glasses in, my world would tumble into a walk down memory alley.

I found myself googling old names and ex girlfriends. Myself, my parents, my last name, my closest friends. Strolling the puddle ridden alley kicking cans out of the way eventually sitting curbside for a drink in a corregated disneyland to ensure I've kept my promise of no regrets. Two and a half decades of unabated mistakes and triumphs.

I'm not who I was, but I am very much the same man. The 'after' photo of a crazy man who holds little understanding for limitation. That same little fuck who got in far too much trouble, watched friends come and go and come back again, offended many and cared about more, and barely remember more than any particular 15 minute interval. I would never go back with the wisdom I have today. Not that I wouldn't do it all over again, as I would.. exactly as I have. But I would only do so with the same ignorace that I had at the time to ensure it was authentic.

I suppose fall is generally an introspective time. Things slow down, the weather chills, the nights prolong, every steamy breath reminds you of this strange contraption that holds our thoughts and lives within.

I sit and watch my girl sleep and think about no longer having such an opportunity. The vodka dulls the thought, but only slightly. The pothole in my throat lingers for a bit. Hopefully a better person to have known me, as I am absolutely better to have known her.

I'm loved here. I'm relied upon and trusted. I've a circle of friends again that I'd yearned for as I first started anonymous writing and rambling to the public.

I've been told that my kind are always alone. I'm not quite sure what my kind is, as only I know how deep the caverns into me lead, which makes it hard to label myself as a 'kind', but it still rings true. Still lost, on an unlit path. Forging on in the darkness feeling around for companions.

After the head trip, A. called. I got his thing in the mail that morning and he was going to give me his motherboard, cpu and some memory in exchange. My desk is long overdue an upgrade, and my business will benefit from the exchange. Perfect time to tear myself away before the sadness sets in too deep.

After watching the Yanks lose game 5, We got into our usual deep drunken conversation about my belief that 'right' and 'wrong' are crutches for those unwilling to consider their own freedom. It's continually proven a little too intricate a conversation for two stubborn opposing drunks. Neither of us ever budge, but enjoy going head to head and learning more about each other in the process.

I organized a party for R's 40th birthday last weekend. A surprise french dinner for about 8 of us and then about 20 of us in a rented karaoke room. Then on to close some bar on Houston. Everyone had an incredible time, especially R, which was the point.

Another of what will become a foggy memory involving the people who have helped mold me into exactly what I am.

Only people who know me well dare to ask me my feelings about death. And even for them the idea of being ready to pass at any minute as my strength is frightening. Even at my worst times, I haven't had a bad day yet, and I never will. Every instance is the perfect last moment and the smile on my face as I meet my final breath will be the signed statement that every moment was worth the effort.

I predict a long life, though should it only last until tomorrow, I will still have met that prophecy.

Give me my license back and get that damned light out my face officer, I'm drivin just fine.