Pissing On Your Steps
2006-01-09 4:59 a.m.
Some things that piss me off that I do and don�t talk about to varying degrees�I�m pissed that I couldn�t sit and talk to my ex � phone or face to face. I�m even more pissed that our emails went from impersonal to painful. Not painful in any meaningful way, but merely evidence of a long stretch of pain that she�d happily put far behind her. I actually gave her a link to this thing which I�m sure solidified her decision to avoid me. It was the only means by which I was allowed to be honest with her.
I�m pissed that waking G out of his slump with a move to LA didn�t work. I�m glad that he�s finally out of his parent�s house and back with his girl and doing well, and I hope I had at least some positive effect on things going well, but I still hate that it went into a semi tailspin for him. Mostly, I hope things continue moving forward for him.
I�m really pissed that this thing didn�t work this summer. I knew fairly early on that it was destined to go to shit. I even had just such a conversation with A when it started � before I�d even embarked westward. But I kept on my hopeful shit. At the end of the day, if both people aren�t in it, then it�s going to shit� and well, both of us weren�t. Mostly, I�m pissed that it was doomed from jump and there was shit I could do to help it. And damn her for giving ME shit for it, as if trying ot make it work was a mean thing to do.
I�m pissed that my holiday was so tame. I�ve spent far too much time within these walls and in this neighborhood to make tame one of my favorite points of the year. Sure, my general response has been that I�ve been partying hard for 15 years (which is accurate) and welcome the break, but that doesn�t work for me. I need to see my people, damnit. I don�t give a damn about the drugs and the drinks, I very much care about their company.
I�m pissed that I can never quite communicate my thoughts properly. Even when I went through a period of improving my speech and trying to communicate better verbally (less slang, more thought), I still felt completely impotent. Speaking like a drunk, speaking like a retard, speaking like a semi-academic, speaking like a business fanatic, speaking like an asshole� All with similar results. Of course I�ve considered �maybe I�m just not that interesting,� which I�m actually fine and happy with � but that�s a weak excuse and I say fuck that. It seems more that maybe I�m just not that interestED � which I�m still figuring out. Disinterest is a new game for me, and I can�t say that I enjoy playing.
I�m pissed that my roommate does nothing about the garbage or the sink. Fuck cleaning up after anybody and fuck having to ask a grown man to clean up after himself and fuck living like a fucking slob. I�m not asking for perfection or any specific immediacy� just some pride in one's own domain.
I�m pissed that I�m such a social retard these days that I can barely hold the interest of my hot neighbor who seems to be ALREADY interested. Sometimes I just feel like such a fucking alien, and well� I usually enjoy it, but this week - it really pisses me off. And damn her for having my interest.
More than anything, I�m pissed that I�m not creating enough. It�s not even a matter of my creations going unnoticed, which I�ve dealt with in the past and, well, didn�t really bother me. Even though I work creatively, the confines that define the creativity are weak. It�s work work. Fuck work work. I abhore work work. Not so much when I�m learning, but I haven�t been. Well, not true� I have been, but not enough. I�m in dire need of more exploration of shit I just don�t know, regardless of it being programming, cooking, juggling enflamed infants� I don�t give a fuck
All in all� a silly list. With perspective, all of the above is bullshit. Hardly matters. Mostly expected from jump and just a squelching of miscellaneous hopes. But it fucks with me no less. More than anything I need to get beyond these walls. I know this and always have. I generally notice the exact moment the stir has actually made me crazy. The easy excuse is that I need a car, which I do. The hard explanation is that nothing peaks my interest enough for a public transportation trek. The remaining question is why.