The Sweetest Pain

2005-04-21 2:50 a.m.
I�ve said it time and again.. it�s the sweetest pain. And tonight it hit home. I�d hoped a couple weeks could go by before I got the door slammed on my forehead, but it was asking far too much.

Two weeks ago, I blindly bumped into the most incredible woman I could possibly share a glance with. Thousands of times, I�ve described this woman to friends querying my pickiness - long before I�d met her. And in one night, I knew for a fact I�d lucked out.

So I pulled out all stops. Fuck logic. Fuck healthy. Who cares if I�m leaving in two weeks? Who cares if I�m staying single for a while? Who cares if I�m damaged goods for the moment? Who gives a damn if I have a whirlwind of 35000 thoughts per second tearing up the my mental foundations?

I shut my eyes and dove all the way in. Gave it everything. Every second. Every moment. Fuck that. My eyes were wide open. I was totally and completely me, all the way through. I had to impress her with honesty. No games or bullshit would do.

And we clicked. Like two gears forged to turn together in the finest swiss watch. Perfection may be an impossible goal, but now I know the scent.

I could never fathom some combination of words to describe such an intense couple of weeks. I could however attempt to describe the pain of it all. Such a beautiful pain. And when I got off the phone tonight my stomach had such a horrible twist. The screw hit the bone and it was all bone shavings from there.

Unfortunately I had to man up quick. I�m in Phoenix visiting a client / friend. My boy / brother is with me and he�s going through a trip of his own. Of course they�re both stoned and don�t need me to be off my shit.

Besides that, I have an 8 hour drive in 2 hours.

The pain makes itself at home when the options disintegrate. When you reach that moment where there�s no means to continue. There�s a point when anything else will make things worse. Persistence is my forte, but I�ve learned when to quit. Something tells me it�s not time yet, but that something is pretty clouded for the moment. Not by the couple beers in me or the 40 hours in a Honda Civic over the past 5 days. Not the life changing moves I�m making. Not the career making / breaking moves I�m full force towards as of tomorrow afternoon.

No.

I�m in love. All the way through. And I�m denied. All the way through. 120 miles per hour into a brick wall. Blood on my face, pieces of brick on my shoulders, shards of glass in my lap. Was I drunk? Nope, barely had anything to drink. I purposely jumped in the deep end and gave up on paddling.

So fucking painful and eventually, I guess, so fucking sweet.

And believe me. I've never heard the phrase (you fall so quickly) so much in my life. Not from her, but from recently close friends who think thye have a decent folder on me. This is where I've been misread. Easily intrigued, absolutely. Easily fall and trust, not even close. Took me a year last time and a year and a half the time before that. I dove in on this one painfully and purposely.

Don't get me wrong. She's completely in the right to close the door. It's logical and healthy and makes sense. But I'm not as logical about shit that really matters to me. Rationality has nothing to do with this. And there's no need for it right now. No. This is raw feeling based on a beautiful moment. I don't want to drag it out, I just want proper - fitting closure.

What I would do for one more weekend. Shit� for one more weekday... I�d even take an embracing glance. Anything more than a plastic piece of equipment digitizing our voices, beaming them over satellite over thousands of miles and then re-encoding them into an analog format. No, these past 2 weeks deserve a far better sendoff. Something involving touch. Something involving taste and smell. Something involving powerful silence and comfortable awkwardness. Something I can feel somewhere other than in my fucked up stomach.