Terrified
2006-06-24 2:25 p.m.
Anyone who has ever stated that they weren�t originally afraid of success is either god damned liar or hasn�t been successful. I�ve had my share of successes, mostly small to medium. I have daily success with client projects and people who are depraved enough to consider me a resource on various subjects. I�ve had plenty in the past as well� ranging from small and local to gargantuan and international.Depending on what I�m working on or towards, the fear can be ignored. If I�m busy or involved enough, I can completely disregard the risk and march forward without flinching. But some things� some things I�ve been working towards for a very long time. Things that I feel could actually, truly make the world a better place. As hard as I try it�s impossible to stay busy enough to completely diminish idle time so as to avoid getting nervous.
Now, I might not necessarily be feeding the hungry, but that doesn�t make my struggle any less important. There are people out there who work very hard at keeping the unfed alive and I think they�re amazing. That�s just not my area. My area usually revolves around the people I�ve known through my life. This includes creatives, musicians, business folk, blue collar folk, students, scientists, professionals (of so many sorts), and well� your common city ilk.
And for the past 15 years I�ve had some ideas and dreams that have built upon each other. For the past 10 years, I�ve been working on better understanding them. And for the past 5, working towards ensuring a wide range of support for them.
And here I am. The doorway to 2:30 pm on a Saturday. Another minute closer. A patent soon pending. Working with some major players and with some old friends. Some of the biggest players in the industry soon to be hearing my ideas. Some of the biggest players in my current industry at my side. The support of hundreds of close friends whenever I or they have the chance. The support of about 8 people depraved enough to read this silly dribble.
I�m fucking terrified.
I�m not afraid of my ideas being laughed at. I got over that shit when I was 10. I�m not afraid of failure. I�ve been enjoying failures my entire life as my personal ivy league education.
Maybe�
They might just hear me out and run off with my ideas. They might begin moving forward with it and then cancel it all at the point of no return. �The people� might not see the benefits and gains of the world I see. I might get absurdly rich and become one the people I�ve known and hated throughout my life. I might get absurdly poor and become a burden on those who care most.
Who the fuck knows. It�s not a debilitating fear, as I�ve never known one to exist. In a few weeks, I sit before some of the people who assist in the gyration of the planet and tell them how to do what everybody knows needs to be done. I�m not scared of them. Regardless of their accomplishments, they bleed and shit like anyone. I don�t know what the fuck I�m scared of. But fuck it. �Balls to the wall� as I�ve been referred to since childhood. And so be it.
In the end, I can�t take this monster on by myself. It�s a fucking behemoth. You can see the enormity of it in the surprised look on people�s faces when I introduce the idea to them.
Well, it�s a good fear. It keeps me on my toes, just as deep sadness keeps one strong. I appreciate it and look forward to my opportunity to making the world a slightly better place. I don�t want fame. I wouldn�t mind fortune. I want to empower people. I want to enrich the lives of the masses. I want to make things easier and better and more fun. I want truly creative people to get what they deserve.
I want this shit to work.