FUCK YOU!! - smile

2000-07-04 07:42:25
Writer's Block is a bitch... I've been able to write as if my hands could speak 20 languages for years. And now, within the past couple months, my ability to write has declined to the point of 3 letter words and a serious lack of punctuation. It got so bad about a month ago that my handwriting turned to shit (my handwriting has been complemented quite a bit in the past) and i can hardly read a single word i write. It's the wackest thing in the fucking world. It's like having a half a toungue with your front four teeth missing and getting ready to speak before 20 million people about the importance of pronunciation in everyday communication.

I think im getting impatient. Or realy fucking lazy. The only reason i don't do things all the time is because so much work is involved to get there. If i'm hungry, i not only dread preparing food but the act of eating. Not that it's hard or anything, but it's so fucking monotonous. Dig, chew, swallow, dig, chew, swallow, and so on and so on... I am seeing this with a lot of things around me. It's not that i'm turning into some depressed hermit, because i still go out, i try to maintain some type of social entity within surroundings, and i work my ass off. But i just need the little things that i've been repeating 3 - 5 times a day for 21 years to disappear. Just say 'food' and my stomach is suddenly full of the food that i want it to be full of. Well, it's not only with eating, but i thought it was a pretty good example.

I'm getting really tired of the whole man / woman game that the whole world plays (except me, of course)... You know... I glance, you glance away, you glance, I glance away, You catch me, I smile embarrasedly, gestures, smiles, think of conversation, approach, etc, etc... It's all too much work to exchange energy with another human being. I mean energy has exchanged through the whole interaction. Why the fuck do we have to play charades about it? I never liked charades anyway. I always sucked at it, because i never dug what the fuck the mime person was trying to do. I'm not stupid, i just don't care. Don't act like you want to talk to me, talk to me. And if you don't, open up anyways, and maybe you'll find that you did. You don't have to fuck me... just talk to me...

It's not really all that desolate and desparate for me to find conversation. I just get tired of the games. I have better things to worry about, like the best ways to stay honest (which is REALLY fucking hard to do, mostly because of other games that we tend to play) and walking, and speaking a language, and writing, and seeing, and listening, and breathing. We have so many functions in and around our bodies 175% of the time we exist, why the fuck should i add to my intersecondary agenda just to figure out a clever way to approach you to communicate. I think hello should work very well. Hello and a smile. So then you look at me like 'who are you talking to?' Why? What pupose have you to throw your negative shit at me when i'm trying to bring about a postive exchange of energy? Fuck your attitude!!! Fuck your expensive Clothes!!!! Fuck your entire day!!! and FUCK YOU!!!

I think I'm getting the hang of this New York thing...

Alright, I feel better now...

Make it a great fucking 4th!!