Beer Soaked
2004-04-10 6:53 a.m.
my whole damned desk stinks of beer.lost my cool for a second and dropped my 5th corona all over all my shit. been drinkin and working for at least 12 years now and this is the first time i fucked it up like this...
and it's ugly.
I've been goin over my finances the past couple days organizaing shit since january 1st 03. I got all my work done on my current projects and FIANLLY got time to get my shit in order to make my shit happen correctly.
See.. after I got laid off at the end of 2001 I went into a nasty depression. I hid it better than i should of, but the side effect was getting stupid for a bit. So I finally pulled out of it early 2002, but still had a shitload of anxiety cuz I was back to being dirt poor.
Not sure if I mentioned it, but the reason for my depression came to light recently. I was supposed to be on my way in 2002. I was supposed to head to CO for a year, then to cali for a couple years, then on to Europe, etc, etc. I don't plan much, but when I do, I make shit happen. So being holed up in a relationship I wasn't sure I wanted (living in ONE ROOM with her) fucked me up. Add to that NO income, 2 shitty clients and expired unemployment, with not ONE SINGLE reply from 5 interviews / 100 resumes sent per week and I was fucked.
So then we went on a 6 week road trip to get our heads straight. And it worked. After I evened out, I got back to NY and I've literally been working NON STOP since that day. 70 - 110 hour weeks type of non stop. Suddenly work was rolling in. Suddenly my potential was realized. Suddenly I caught a bit of fame in a tiny nook of my industry. Nothin huge, but enough to eat more than refried beans all day every day.
And now that I've finished a couple large projects and have a couple weeks before my next one, I found some time to go through my shit. I have to get all my income and expenses together from last year so I can get my taxes done. I also gotta get all that shit organized so I don't have to go through that next year.
So I have a year's worth of paper and bullshit on my desk littered with empty newport packs and empty beer bottles of 4 brands as well as a tequila bottle, 2 shot glasses, and a shitload of magazines and newspapers. Oh, and theres my laptop, 2 gutted computers which are spread out but still working, my ipod, scribblings, sketches, notebooks full of ideas and rants, and whatever else is under all this bullshit. It's a mountain of madness, business and dabauchery. Oh.. and it's a pretty small desk.
So while crunching numbers, researching tax laws, and searching loop holes, I reached for my half burnt up square and knocked a mostly full beer all over everything.
And now it all smells like beer.
I'm tired of looking at the bright side of of a world where all the lights are off. I'm tired of empty props. I'm tired of wondering what went wrong with ol' girl a month ago. After 3 years of occasional conversation, she could have at least told me what the hell went so damned wrong. I'm tired of waiting for G. to get on his shit so he can break out. I'm tired of doing work for other people when I have some incredible ideas for making the world work just a lil bit better. So fuck it all.
I'm glad to say my biggest stress right now is piles of garbage covered in beer.