Breain Spew I
2002-11-26 5:46 a.m.
This is part I of a brains spew.. My first one in almost 2 years, so if the writing veers off or rambles, it's because i wasn't forming, i was spewing...Have you ever realized your own freedom?
I mean actually sat down and visualized and understood the amount of freedom you have as a human being? I mean, granted we cant exactly fly on our own or run 50 mph, but we can actually do anything within human ability, whenever we want. Our actually freedom is fearsome. The scariest thing we face in our existence. Realization of freedom makes morals, ethics and morality become matters of opinion from self-imprisoned members of a free universe.
When morals, ethics, and morality as a whole become an opinion, everything loses meaning. Words become groups of letters, letters become sounds, sounds become noise... noise becomes echo, echoes become waveforms, and we begin to understand that we will never understand science. Only document it. Unfortunately, it all becomes meaningless. It all begins to suck.
Figuring out which way is up makes no difference as up is just as much of a rule as down. Left and right mean nothing with out each other. The contradictions surrounding us meld into long drawn out implications of our own confusion and attempts to explain what we're too scared to truly KNOW. How can you possibly co-exist in a world where murder is only a crime because most of us would rather not die. It's not wrong. It's not right. But it would suck to die. And the funniest part about the fact that it would suck to die is that the reason death is so hard to swallow is because it's just as simple as freedom.
So since we don't understand freedom, we create rules. And since we have rules, we can bear to live without questioning existence. Just feeling that some stories we pass to each other will suffice and help us keep our rule system is some type of assemblance of balance. We figure that our ideas of right and wrong have worked thus far, so why not keep going. And those rules become our law. Our faith. We believe in our laws and our stories as a means of escape from our own truth.
And since we create this awesome world of stories and reasons and rules and beliefs, we find comfort. Suddenly the truth is terrible. The thought of dying, which is our reminder of reality, frightens us to the point of more hiding behind good and evil. Who wants to die and leave this amazing contortion we call human society? It's too comfortable to be reminded that we are here to die.
Being here to die is ONLY depressing because we make it so. The fact that we pass is a true fact. It makes us what we are. If you do not die, then how could you have lived (according to our contradictory explanations, anyways). We don't exist without the idea of non-existence. And if the rules are cover ups. The makeup of the universe, then so becomes everything which surrounds us.
So I've found myself here. Knowing that there's no way out besides conformity. In my mind all the evils that men do are not wrong, they are just not cool in our collective opinion. And in knowing that that collective is made up of fear, I chose to remain on the other side of fear, in order to find myself. And I've found myself incapable of being without what we've been conditioned to follow. I've actually been depressed for two entire years now. Not a single soul knows this. I've had so much fun in my depression. But I haven't created anything. The idea of creating something based on a world based on fear had disgusted me...
So I've become one of the above by hating the above. I truly hope I find an end to my depression. I don't want to live in another world, I just want to understand the world around me. Not from what I'm told, but from what we know as being a part of that which surrounds us. Knowledge is inherent as we a part of this living existence. We know why we're here without thinking of it. And since we can't think of it, we can't speak of it. And since we can't speak of it, our words mean little. Because our words are based on a mind that is not allowed to know why it is. And they become letters, sounds, noises, echoes...
So where the fuck do I go now?