Chicago and my Voice

2002-12-02 4:54 a.m.
This has to have been one of the longest weekends I�ve been through in quite a while. To everyone who celebrated anything this weekend, Happy whatever.

It was good and bad this weekend. I've found a new source of inspiration deep in the rusty old gears in my head. And some new external inspiration as well. One uber sweet chick in Reno who I've begun speaking to recently, and this beautiful girlie who happens to be in need of some attention (wish I could help, dear)... ;)

So I've made the decision to move back to Chicago. Thought you should know, more on that in a bit.

Actually made my first full meal on Thursday. Not that it was some masterpiece of a cuisine, but it was fucking good. Some lemon chicken, potato pancakes, stuffed shells, bottle of kwv and some Guinness. Magnifico. And after all that some TV, which sucked, because nothing was on. I'm not a big TV fan, but the pockets is hurting these days�

So the next morning, after a couple weeks of thought, ok.. months actually.. I had broken the news that I'm headed back home. Then proceeded to console, listen to, support, and maintain composure during a few verbal beatings from my girl (lots of tears included).

I've been too poor for too long and I�m working too damned hard to be (and im fucking good at what i do, damnit), so here's the options:

Take a $7 an hour job and continue to struggle in an expensive city that I�ve grown weary of, meanwhile putting my profession on a side burner in order to pay rent and catch up on bills.

Pros: stay with one of the sweetest girls in the world.

Cons: Live with her and her best friend in our 450 square foot apartment with large rodents and cold weather while mutilating my credit and my relationship from stress.

Option 2: Go home. Free rent for a few months, get my shit paid for, get some savings together, buy a car, do some traveling and find a nice hot-all-year place to live.

Pros: Continue doing what I want to do as a career, and on my own terms while moving forward at full speed. Get cool with a father who hasn't been there for about 20 of my 24 years (them 4 are scattered). Get to hang with all the friends I grew up with and miss more than anything. Get to hang with dear ol� mum and help her out. Not have to worry about bills and rent, allowing me to save up properly and get off on a good foot.

Cons: Lose my girl, as long distance relationships and I don't work well enough.

So, unless you're a romantic with too much time on your hands, you understand why I'm headed home. I love my girl, but the longer I'm here the worse we are. I'd rather cut it off here and keep my best friend, over cutting it off later and getting rid of some naggy bitch. (hope you understood that)

So the hard part, besides the breaking up is what I've been working on since my girl moved in. She has been brought up as a dependant woman, but she's got the brains and strength oh and lots of talent (illustrator) to make it.. That side of her is where my original attraction comes from. Hence the issue of sharing a closet sized space with her and seeing the ugly tell-me-what-to-do-all-the-time side.

So this whole weekend has been full of motivational speeches, lots of stories, lots of holding and consoling, lots of disappointment glares, lots of tears, my own included, lots of conversations and thought...

And it's all good. Well as good as it can be. Both roommates now finally agree that they can make it on their own. They agree that going back home is a bad option (both have very hard home lives). Both have agreed that being mad at me is insensible. Both are actually excited about getting to live on their own. And I get to see two women become the independent women I always knew they could be.

I still have to get the news to my father that I�m taking over half his crib, but he won�t have any issue with it. He actually keeps asking me to move home. I think he finally realized the whole having a son thing has something to it � too bad it took him 4 sons (I don�t know the other 3) to get there. So I�m headed to Chicago for Christmas and I�ll spread the news then.

I�m also stopping in Reno to meet this new friend of mine in person. I hate meeting people in person after I�ve spoken with them online, and ESPECIALLY after phone conversations. I have been cursed with a smooth deep voice and fantastic writing vocabulary.

I used to think I was just really stupid, or silly, or boring when girls would call me and tell me to just talk. I mean I�ve actually had girls call me at night and tell me �I don�t really feel like talking, but would you mind just speaking to me for a half hour while I go to sleep?� I never really knew how to take that. I would start reading from instruction manuals and shit, because the whole one-sided conversation thing was stupid to me.

The worst part was before it was so easy to send pics to each other. I would chat and talk to girls and they would be all giddy and excited to meet. And then when we would meet, they sucked. Completely turned off and uninterested.

Eventually I figured out that I don�t sound like a tall clumsy white boy. Yes, I�m half Mexican, and no, my skin doesn�t show that fact. I finally figured out that the difference between my voice and my look (which isn�t THAT bad) was just too huge to take in all at once. All those visuals these girls were getting of me were way too much for any guy to live up to comfortably. After I moved here, a girl finally came forward and told me what she expected and what I wasn�t. I proceeded to tell her to enjoy fucking herself. And she had the nerve to call me to put her to sleep the next day. I believe I may have offended her pretty thoroughly with my response as I haven�t heard from her since.

And so, although it�s never really stopped me, I�m always weary of meeting people I�ve spoken with. I make sure they get to see photos of me and understand what they�re walking in to way ahead of time. The rejection thing just doesn�t make for a good feeling.

Think I�m gonna make pancakes�