Geekin Out
2004-06-23 9:58 p.m.
I�m annoyed� My channel is gone. Well, before that�I grew destined to be a geek. If not that, then at least a bit eccentric. It was absolutely inevitable. Moving to a new neighborhood every 18 months, not sure how to deal with dad only kinda being there, and when he was he was really cold, hard or technical about things (he�s an engineer, and a proud old school Mexican republican), mom working really hard all the time, new friends all the time� blah blah�
I used to disassemble everything. I�d rip the phone to shreds and an old tape player and make an alarm system that would scare the shit out of my mom wailing screeching noises when she opened the door after getting home from work late in the evening. That was when I was about 8 or 9. Eventually drawing and writing. Very possessive about my shit. Destined to be an introverted ubergeek, or at least a far out artist type.
Oh, and I am. I can build a computer from nada. No large feat, sure, but I learned how when I was 13 or 14, which was far more foreign back then. I can plan a network and implement it for anything under 40 users, including file servers, mail servers, web servers, etc. Hardware, software, the works. All from trial and error. No books � no school. Sure I went to school, but not for anything even similar to the above.
I�ve even designed and soldered a board together, made to connect to a serial port of a computer. It�s purpose� to program the chips on other home-made boards, so I could make more and program them to do things � like control the coffee pot or whatever. No large feat, if you�ve gone to school for such things� First or second year type shit. But I never have - for any of the above. And now... full time web developer.
Geek to the core. It gets deeper actually. And if you�ve read anything I�ve written, it�s likely you wouldn�t guess all this, at least not immediately. The dilemma was growing up in �our� time, and in a big city on top of that. Growing up in the city doesn�t allow such geekdom. In the city, we do our very best to ensure we seem the very dumbest. We speak ignorantly. We call women bitches. We put z�s on the end of our wordz to be down. We throw down before anybody glances in a way even resembling �a problem�. We have a tower of pride and we�re ready to demolish anyone or anything that even attempts to lean upon said monument. We have big dicks and little hearts, and fuck you if you claim differently.
And because of this, I almost never speak of what I do in the confines of my head. It�s taken me years of self-therapy just to get to the point that I can have casual conversation with others about technology, which is a change I had to work towards since the large acceptance of technology in our lives has become prevalent. Shit, most of my friends still don�t have computers, and you�ll never find me talking in depth about tech with them. Not because I feel they�re less intelligent. Just the opposite. Far more intelligent than I could hope to become.
But I�ve still got that esteem issue with discussing things that will give the image of being a �nerd�. Fuck that shit. I was DJing, and I was throwing parties, and I was graffing, getting blunted every day, fucked up on a bottle of something, with the finest girl on my arm for long periods of time and a hook up for anything. But I had the rep and that�s what mattered. Anything I said, was said with authority and audacity - ensuring that I claim my point and my domain with every syllable that made it past my teeth. I have 15 years of experience covering my nerdy obsessions.
Such things have helped and hurt me in plenty of ways. Once I began to get over these issues, I was able to explain the complex things I understood to marketing people and managers, which does really well for me career wise. At the same time, the ubers who lived the nerd life, with huge chips on their shoulders because of never pulling off what I have (and probably not wanting to) with inferiority complexes, proving their superiority by their large technical vocabularies and incredible talents in geeky positions, find it easy to discredit my abilities. I can do what they do for the most part, but holding the technical conversation with an anti-social (the type I was meant to become) isn�t easy.
For the most part I�m over it now. I explain what I do to my girl, and she tries her ass off to show interest, and I love her for it. I explain application structures and regex patterns and complex form validation and error handling to her, and she keeps up the best she can. And not only with her� I can generally hold a technical conversation with most every-day people, now without fear of appearing to geek the fuck out. And if I sense that I�m losing them, I discredit myself and go back to party mode.
This is me. A covert geek in a �cool� world - reluctantly hanging on to esteem issues that are based on outdated social constructs.
As I said, I don�t get along with geeks very well. I went to a developers conference last night. Forty something 30-somthings with serious antisocial issues listening to an uber talk about object oriented programming patterns. Dry, but interesting shit. I couldn�t imagine most of the people I know sitting through it. Not due to a lack of intelligence by any means, but more a lack of interest. After the guy was done talking, some people stormed out� seemingly afraid of social interaction. I know that fear well, but from the other side of that coin.
So I have my geek conversations online these days, with miscellaneous people I�ve never had the opportunity to meet in person. But in person, you�ll almost never catch that side of me. And sometimes, it�s just dying to get out.
I feel these things have made me what I am. Because of all this shit, I can relate to almost anyone fairly instantly based on my ability to hold different lives and opinions according to my current situation. Now, I�m not saying I change my stance on things, just more of a social chameleon. Most arguments have good points on both sides, and I generally end up arguing either quite often just to learn more about whomever I�m talking to.
So my refuge for one of my sides which doesn�t get much light has been a geek channel. Started as ZDTV, eventually renamed to Tech TV, and recently bought by the gaming network G4 to become G4-TechTv. I loved that channel. Geek shows all day about inventors� far out ideas and building computers and geek gadgets and what not. It was the one place I could go to feel at home with my inner geek without embarrassment. I proudly called it GeekTv and I�m guilty of hiding the remote from my girl at times to ensure I get at least a half hour fix. She even got to liking some of the shows eventually. She didn�t watch them when I wasn�t around, but she could bare them.
And since the gaming network bought it out, they ruined the fucking channel. A bunch of bad shows about video games (2 was enough). They fired the whole SF crew and moved productions to their primary hub in LA. My shows were gone. My refuge dissipated into the air. But I figured fuck it� adapt as I always do. And then� then� the channel is cut off in NY and NJ. I can�t even geek out to the bad channel I was hoping to get used to.
So yes� big history breakdown for a stupid thing like the demise of a geek tv network. But I feel as if I�ve lost a good friend, and a few good friends at that. Besides the people I know, not many things mean very much to me. But this one fucking thing�
Ah well, I guess I�ll be forced to bore my friends with technical bullshit.
I've been considering starting a blog. I know, this basically is one, but I mean something less anonymous. I keep things anonymous here, not from embarassment, but because it allows me far more freedom. Also, I have other people's business here on occasion, and it's not anyone's business to figure out who I'm referring to. Initials have meaning to those who's name they represent.
I dunno, if I do, I'll probably still write here, but I need a fucking geek outlet.
On a far more important note, tanprincess, LOVE the new layout (big ups to ryan). And meta, as always, thank you so much for the kind words.