Miami Bound II

2007-02-23 12:07 p.m.
So where the hell was I. Oh, right... KM. So KM, this cute girl with no body who loves teddy bears and used to call me dopey (as in the goofy 7th dwarf), calls out of absolutely nowhere...

She left some dude she was with for nearly 8 years and moved to Miami 2 years ago to help her older sister (who I'd a bit of a crush on when we were kids) with her new adorablelil one. She was living with some guy for a lil over a year til he became a real dick. Her sister wants to move back home (Chicago) and she's trying to figure out what to do next.

These days, I'm not the sort to get the occasional 'hello' phone call. Don't get me wrong, I get quite a few... But the majority of the calls, letters and emails I get are as a last resort of sorts. My phone rings long after the fan's been broken by the heaps of shit it's splattered. And as the shit drips down the walls, usually after midnight, s/he who's been shat upon decides it's finally time to call me.

I'm not sure people like my advice early on. My advice probably won't make sense until one realizes that my advice is all that's left. So here's poor KM, not liking her job, not liking her current city, no longer having any reason to stay in Miami. And here I am, explaining how easy it would be to move to Hawaii. Of course, Miami wasn't my choice. I just found out her choice and helped her understand the simplicity in getting there...

And it is simple. People shake their heads in disbelief when I tell them I've moved again. It must be so expensive and hard and terrible.. It's not...

Moving is simple, so long as you've no children. You need about 3 months rent, airfare, a place to put your shit, someone to send your shit if you decide to stay. Buy a refundable 3-month round trip ticket. Sell everything you don't need. Think about it. Really think. We don't need much in this life, especially if we've something to do. Furniture is easily replaceable. Video games won't be missed. DVDs andCDs are becoming ancient history. No reason to keep books you've read. You get the idea.

Find somewhere to put what you've left over. Anything that you feel you REALLY want to have with you, pack and leave with a friend who you trust to ship them once you get settled. Pack about a week's worth of clothes, hop on a plane, find a decent but cheap hostel and start looking for a bullshit job. I know, you have 3 months rent at your disposal. In a hostel that becomes a year's rent.

I know, you're a famous... whateverthefuck. Why find a shit job? Right now, you want to find a job as soon as fucking possible. Job's aren't JUST about money. But, since we think of them that way, consider your 3 months rent your big fat security blanket. You want to find a shit job that will afford you a small apartment and food. Wait tables, wash things, whatever. Shit jobs are easy to come by, and this will get you out of a hostel and into a 'cozy' studio, so you can at least have a bit of privacy.

The more important end of finding a shit job is that you meet locals. The shittier the job, the friendlier the coworkers. This is how you'll start meeting people immediately and how you really find out if you want to be where you've gone. Also, for the shy types, it's time to grow the fuck up and socialize. We're all lost and embarrassed, some people hide it better. Start talking, start listening, make fiends, be happy.

One you have a job, use some of that backup money for a deposit on a place. Just make sure your job will cover rent. Money goes very fast when you're not 'home'. You've officially moved to a new city on your own. Once you're settled into an apartment and a job, it's time to start 2 things. 1, you need to find a real job / apartment. 2, discover your new living situation. If all else fails, you only have to stick it out for 3 months. Get back on a plane and never return. If things are looking up, send for your shit (it's really inexpensive to ship things). You'll probably realize by now how little you actually needed most of that bullshit anyways.

So, that took about 5 minutes to explain. She was convinced and it was time to see where I could take the conversation.

"You still seem to need to talk, why not come up ans spend the weekend in New York?"

It seemed a ridiculous question. It's 85 degrees down there. In NY, it was about 10. She was here in 2 weeks. Twas too cold to go out to do shit, so we stayed in and caught up on the past 13 years. The first day was great... Talked about work, school, dating,ex's. Finally convinced her that she was completely in the wrong for dumping me 13 years ago. Then went out to meet up with everyone for drinks.

I figured this part of the evening was going to be a bit more dramatic than it was. But alas, not a single second thought went in to the fact that KM and VG were discussing who-gives-a-fuck-what just to my left. They were getting along. Since VG isTBX's roommate, something he'd told me the other day crossed my mind "Yo, if you ever want to 3-way, VG will be down". Hmm ... I hadn't thought of KM that way... well, ever. Eh, I doubt she would... Not even sure I would. At least not with these two.

Noticed VG making out with some dude in the corner, everyone was looking drunk, KM looked tired, time to go. I guess after I left, AW interrogated VG a bit about me leaving with some other chick. She didn't give a fuck. How wonderful is that.

And then... back at my place... well... I can't say that I see KM as "Sweet lil K" anymore. She's gained a bit of weight in the exact right places and she does things I'd never even consider her capable of. Come on now, Not like THAT. I remind you the last time I had any sort of such thoughts about her I was a terrified little virgin and she didn't have too much of a body to imagine through the clothes. So to see her doing what she does and talking the way she does and... well...

How come nobody's ever told me about screamers? I mean really. I've been with loud women and aggressive women and whatnot. But screamers. Wow. Screamers. One of the sexiest things I've ever heard. After that experience, I felt like I could break down brick walls with my cock. Wow.

Where was I... oh, right... so Sunday was fun. She was off and within a week I had a ticket to Miami. You can look at me like that if you must, but I remind you that I haven't been laid very much in the past year and a half. Even with VG, it's not all that much. Add to that a fucked up work schedule and weeks of snow and 10 degree weather, and you're damned right I'm going tomiami to bother some neighbors.

And on top of all that, I'll have a 1 br apartment in miami beach for about $100 a night and because of having to skip my trip to Chicago for the Super Bowl, my ticket only cost me about $35 (+ $15 fee). So yes, well needed R&R, affection, hot weather, etc from Monday til Thursday. All after an odd call out of nowhere.

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Oh, right... Sorry about yesterday's incoherence. I was distracted by my favorite people on this planet and a bit of a hangover... Well... that, and this idea of going to Amsterdam and London in a couple months. I'm fucking giddy. Both because of the woman who invited me (who happens to have complete control over me - luckily she only uses her powers for good) and the friends I get to see when I'm out there. I've been talking to some guy out there about an apartment swap for a month. Also have a friend in NL and one in Antwerp who are trying to assist.

So yesterday, I got my hair cut at the fancy shmancy stylist place (say what you will, you'll never get a head rub like that first thing in the morning from a significant other, and especially not from someone you met at a bar - only option - payment), went to grab a bit of wine and called thecolombian girl from the night before to join me. I hadn't planned on seeing her til I got back, but she'd been texting all day.

Invited her for some wine. She was going to be just down the street for this famous photographer's (of whom I'm also a fan) book signing. Fuck it, fine. Slapped down a 20 and went. She was in line with a friend of hers. I wasn't going to stay long. Fuck a line. I don't wait to see anyone. As her and her friend talked, I tried to remember more of the night before. Fuck it, not gonna happen. Made sure to point out to the friend that I'd only known this girl for about 12 hours, not for any actual reason other than I liked how that fact sounded when said aloud.

She has a gut. Not like a bit of a gut. I have a bit of a gut. VG has a bit of a gut. I don't mind a bit. She doesn't have a bit. She's got a gut gut. She looks 7 months pregnant. I swear to you I actually found myself fucking staring like 8 times. I couldn't help it. I was trying to figure out how I didn't notice this (I take pride in the fact that I don't get beer goggles). I was too slow from last night's inebriation to think about this without staring. Ah! She was wearing a damned coat all night last night. Hiding her god damned gut. Sneaky bitch.

She's cool, though. I'll probably hang with her a bit. But I'll never make it below that gut. Call me what you will.