Perpetual Melancholy

2005-03-22 1:14 a.m.
What a soppy fucking day. It would have been a great day if it weren't for a lump the size of an apple consistently choking me. And that fucking hole in my stomach is beginning to kill my apetite.

I'm so disturbingly sad right now. I have been since the other day...

ah the other day...

So after about a good 7 hours of drinking with friends, I'd completely lost my cool. My girl called. She spent the day in Atlantic City (i was supposed to be gone by then). Now her bus back was running 3 hours late. And she was mad that I wasn't done being out yet.

Ok, bad timing for an argument. I'm trashed and sad as fuck and my girl just spent one of my last days with her girls and a couple dudes. And I wasn't mad about her going. Just the opposite. I was excited for her. BUT... well, we'll get to but in a minute.

So Now I'm in a wierd mood, there was a strange vibe all night - not bad, just odd - I'm a lil pissed and W walks up. Oh, and I'm trashed, but I don't believe in blaming the liquor - although it did help in raising my voice.

Gave him a hug... "What up W - you bout to get up in D?" Not a terrible question - pretty normal for two guys. Of course, when D and other company is 3 feet away and I'm loud as shit. Not so nice...

But it was ignored. Somehow I tend to get away with a lot of shit out here. I felt the discomforted looks, but didn't give a damn... I was not in the right mood. That's a fact.

So W notices and walks me outside to finish the conversation. I hope I didn't mess things up for him - as he's an incredibly good guy and D is cute as fuck and really sweet, but I didn't say that. Nope. Didn't care for the moment.

And then, as we were leaving, I caught another call. More shit talking from my girl. I know where she was coming from, but like i said. No place for it.

So now I was soaked in bad juju. Rationality was an impossiblity. S and M invite me to S's.

"If you think I'm going to sit and watch you too ogle each other tonight, you're out of your fucking mind." Wow... haha.. I'm pretty sure I just said that so the 3 of them could hear it. Aw man, this is getting fun. I migth even lose a friend soon!!

Oh, E's coming? Well then maybe. Then again, I did just spend the past 15 minutes explaining how much attention I would give to her beautiful tummy. And, I'm pretty sure I was shockingly vulgar. But yeah, "if she'll come, then I'm down."

After all, I was ready to wreak some havok.

Well, things got wierder and I'm sure it had to do with the energy I was giving. But we all ended up going to S's. I didn't belong within 5 feet of anyone who doesn't know me well.

No no no, I belonged with people who have seen me give verbal beat downs to miscellaneous fools at whatver setting we happened to be it. I needed people who understood that regardless of what nasty shit I might have to say to them, I look up to them like a 5 year old boy to his father. I have nasty opinions in my genes and I fight them well, 99.9% of the time...

But tonight? I don't need to be with people I kinda know.

And well, it never got worse. I knew where I was and I knew where I could take it. I didn't. Oh I wanted to. I wanted to demolish something. I wanted to tear something to shreds. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to be verbally ravished. Quick and painful honest judgement. I wanted to be beaten to a pulp, mentally and physically. I wanted to provoke some 15 minute rant about me from somebody who gives a shit. But none of these fuckers judge me - not to my face. They look up to me.

What the fuck?! Tell me to fuck off!! Make me feel how much pain you've endured in your entire life with one word. Make my eyes bleed. Fold the grains of my heart and stomach into the treads in your trendy bullshit shoes and start mashing them into the gum covered piss stained cheap concrete. Beat me into oblivion with horrible shit that I can't bare to deal with. If you can't love me than FUCKING HATE ME. Murder me and piss on my grave. FUCK RESPECT. Respect is for the WEAK!

Nope. I didn't say it. Didn't really think it. But I felt it. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to FUCK. or FIGHT. or SOMETHING.

We got to S's, my girl called bawling. Oh? Maybe I'll get that verbal beatdown. Nope.. begging. Begging for understanding. Not gonna happen. I went off.

"You have no place in this arguement. I'm sorry, but you can't leave me for a day and get mad because I'm not home waiting for you. I'll see you in a couple hours"

I straightened it out and went upstairs. S made some Mac and Cheese, I lit a bowl and started passing...

Within 10 minutes they were all passed out. I hit the fridge, grabbed a beer and made a DOPE omlet. Couldn't find any oil or butter, so the beer had to do. And it did.

Put on Kond of Blue by Miles, sat on the porch eating an omlet, smoking a bowl, drinking a beer and puffing a cigarette, looking at the Statue of Liberty's ass. I welled up like a bitch.

All RIPPED. Eyes were cloudy. Smoked half of S's weed by then. Fucked up night. Girl I've had recent interest in sees me at my very worst. And how I've even held this well eludes me.

So that was it. I wrote a note that specified my sanity without mentioning it. Something like - thanks for coming out to play, you guys are incredible, come visit, love you all, peace.

I've been a wreck since. I did what I don't do. The next day, I called D to apologize. I usually don't apologize for drunken nights, but I was completely out of character. She accepted like the sweet woman she is. I called E to apologize as well.

All good. Better than all good.

I packed for hours. We moved furniture and made this place into my girl's place. Anything that denotes I ever lived here is in an 18 x 18 x 18 box. Well, besides this laptop. Eh I guess some of my shit is here, but none of my character.

The next day I went to my old job. I sat with the guys who I spent my first 2 years here with. The only human beings below Wall Street. Not entirely true, but not far off. We caught up on shit, and my best friend there - the South African dude I've mentioned inthe past - was home with bronchitis. He left me an actual Zulu mask he brought here from home. I was speechless.

Then I went to see E and D (from above). They brought A too... I was gonna invite him when they went back up, but no need.

You could barely sense any awkwardness. I've been in this situation in the past, and I know the scent of it all. But no... it wasn't there. That helped. But it made ti all harder. They gave me a card that I almost whimpered like a bitch over when I read it later.

The lump in my throat grew. I was bumping otis redding like an idiot, and grabbed a cab. by the time I got here and saw my girl smiling at me, it was over.

It was time to let the shit go. That pride that keeps it all in was beaten to a pulp. It was done. 3 days of tears found their way to my girl's dreads as she soaked my shirt with snot bubbles.

We didn't make it out today like we planned. No, we sat here and acted like it was any other day. It was perfect, like it always has been. We went shopping, just to push the spike in a bit further. Half gallon of milk... a half dozen eggs... Smaller portions of everything...

We spent 2 hours making the the most itis-inducing meal I've ever eaten in my entire life. 5 bites and you're done. 10 and you're asleep. 15: coma. I made it to about 12 and quit ahead. She's still asleep from about 10.

And that's it. I'll be gone in 7 hours. I mean it's not like I'm dying. Everyone's day will go on as they always do. Life will move forward. People will hate their jobs, and fall in love, and drink together and watch TV and jog and do what people will do... And I will too, just elsewhere with other people.

But for a few moments, it all feels like a slow death.