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I Don't Fuck Strangers

2005-03-29 10:27 a.m.

I went to the Piano bar my cousin serves at. G works the door there and my cousin�s brother-in-law M does valet. It�s generally noted as the nicest piano bar in Chicago. Strict dress code, stocked to the rafters with the finest liquors and wines.

While driving back from the airport, I put my grey dress socks on, slipped on my Kenneth Coles and my KC belt. They let me in if I�m under par, but they always give me shit.

Gave G some dap and said what up to M had a couple minutes of conversation and headed in. The manager�s face lit up. He almost didn�t recognize me. Unshaven and two months sans haircut. We shook hands and he offered me the VIP table. Not my style, unless I�m with company. I went to the bar.

This place is always amusing to me. Teams of rich drunkards sitting around the piano player singing along to piano bar classics. Old rich men spending absurd amounts of money to get beautiful young women drunk. Old couples sloppily making out in the darker corners of the blood red lit room. The entire establishment sweats money from its pores. You can smell the stench of wealth in every corner.

�Hey Bartender�

The phrase that digs well beneath any respectable person who slings liquor - especially in such an establishment. E composed himself for a moment then turned around to see what kinda of prick he was about to serve poorly throughout the evening. The two next to me knew what was coming. I was soon to find out they�re in the industry as well from other local respectable bars. I felt their guffaw immediately.

That all changed immediately when my cousin focused on me � first the annoyed look and then the smile and embrace.

�This is my cousin, [Tac]�

We caught up a bit between drink orders. He�s got a second kid on the way, due about November. His wife and kid are good, real estate is moving along, his brother is living well in his new job in India. Life is good, life is good, life is sho� nuff good.

My tab of free drinks began with a beer. I�d expected to have a couple beers, grab G�s keys and head home. I�d talked to the two I�d met a couple minutes ago until they left about a half hour later. I was solo. I texted a few people seeing if I could get anyone out on short notice. My Chicago phone numbers are a bit old and rusty, so my selection was thin.

Hard to get people out on a weeknight in a blue-collar town.

I sat alone for a while. My cousin was busy as fuck, even though it was a relatively slow night. I listened to the piano classics and hummed along a bit. My heart began to get heavy. Solo and buzzed. At least the drinks were free and consistently on time.

I was in dire need of conversation. I was thinking too much. My eyes fixated on an incredible chocolate woman of about 25 with her friend, talking to some forty-something partially greyed shlub in a light polo shirt. I can�t judge them, but can still be amused.

I tried talking to the old dude next to me, sipping his wine and puffing away at a fat cigar. Nada.

I finished my beer and asked for a Chivas as my parting drink. Halfway through, I went to get G�s key so I could go and crash at the apartment. G wasn�t at the door - must�ve hit the bathroom or something. I began to talk to M when this cute Puerto Rican girl and some rude fucker came up. The dude turned to M.

�You checkin IDs?�

M pointed to the door to denote the door guy would be back in a moment. I was in the path of that finger and so he looked at me and handed me his ID.

Fuck it. Matt handed me his mini flashlight and shrugged. I looked at the picture, looked at the dude. 1982� 92� 02� ok. The girl obviously didn�t need another drink. Very cute, wearing hospital scrubs and not made up. Top notch attractive in my book.

�And yours?�

�Let me find it�

She dug in her bag and pulled out her wallet. Flopped open with a short stack of unorganized 20�s and 10�s and cards and school ID�s and whatnot. But no ID.

The dude� �Come on bitch I need a drink�

I darted my eyes to his. �Hey, come on man, what�s the matter with you?�

�She doesn�t mind, we�re like that all the time�

�That�s not what I asked you. That shit is unnecessary.�

I looked right through him to ensure my seriousness. I had power for the moment, if at least to disallow them to enter. He cooled off. �alright alright.�

R, the manager stepped out.

�Hey, aren�t you E�s cousin?�

�Yeah, what up R, how you been�

�Good! Good to see you. When did you get in town? Can I buy you a drink?�

�Na man, I�m bout to finish up. Got in on Tuesday. Hey, I checked this guy�s ID. He�s alright, but the girl can�t find hers�

She mentioned some doctor�s name. R mentioned the dress code and then went in to find the doctor. I stood next to her while she looked for her ID and I finally had a conversation, even if for a moment.

�So is that your boyfriend? �

�Hell no�

�You a nurse or something?�

�Im in school to be a chiropractor.�

R came back out without finding the doctor and escorted her in to find him. She asked me to get her in and I told her I couldn�t. Of course I couldn�t. I was just some miscellaneous drunk somehow covering the door for a half a moment.

I went back to finish my drink. I saw the girl a couple minutes later. She hugged some guy who I later found out was the doctor aka her boss. She flirted a bit with the other bartender and the doctor�s friend. Her rude friend was hovering around seeming annoyed. I turned to talk to my cousin for a minute and when he got busy, I turned as I was about to leave.

The girl was passing by, coming back from the bathroom. I tapped her shoulder.

�Glad to see you got in.�

�Oh hey! Let me buy you a drink!�

�Um, well I was about to��

�Two Sicilian Kisses!�

�Let me buy it (knowing I�d get em for free)�

�You know her?�

�Yeah cuz, I know her�

�Alright, 2 sicilian kisses�

Within 5 minutes she was licking the back of my throat�

�Ooooh you can really kiss!�

�Yeah? Well you taste good. What�s your name?�

�L�

Big smile, she grabs my hair, yanks my head back and bites my neck. A real bite. Like getting a chunk of neck between her teeth and slamming down. It hurt like hell. I grabbed her side and yanked her off.

�Ow! Hey mothafucker, I�m not into that painful shit!�

Her eyes lit up. �You sure you don�t like it?�

�Hell naw, quit fuckin biting me. What the fuck?!�

We continued on for a bit. She bought a couple more shots.

E was impressed. I�m sure he takes full credit for any game he feels I might have. He shouldn�t although as bit of a ladies man he did inspire me when I was younger. But I�ve no game. My repertoire with women is all my own.

L went to the bathroom and I clinked glasses with the shmuck she brought with her. I tried to talk to him a bit, but it was pointless. The guy was pissed that he was in some bar he didn�t want to be in with some drunk bitch from school. He couldn�t afford drinks and L was too involved in me to buy him any.

E looked up and noticed us talking. He thought the guy might be starting shit cuz of the situation and with a gesture asked if he should be escorted out. Within seconds he would have been surrounded by 4 well dressed Mexicans on his way out. I motioned that it was unnecessary. He was harmless.

After about 2 hours of drinks, messing around, a bit of teasing and pointless conversation, my cousin got from behind the bar. I saw him talking to a couple regulars on the other side of the bar and pointing out the show. He was proud of his lil cousin.

�Take me home with you�

�I�m homeless�

�No you�re not. What, do you live with your girl?�

�No, I already told you, I left my girl in New York 3 days ago. I�m staying on my boy�s couch.�

�I thought you worked here�

�Nope, just some drunk who happened to be at the door when you got here�

She loved it. She wanted me to take her home NOW.

�Hell no. I don�t know you.�

�Well then help me find my car.�

So we walked around the block. She had no CLUE where her car was. Her friend was long gone, so there was no asking him. She slammed me into the wall and started getting pretty hot.

�I�m not taking you to my place.�

�Alright fine. You should just go then. I�ll find my car.�

�I�d like to talk to you sober, can I get your number?�

�No�

�Alright then, it�s been fun. I really hope you find your car ok.�

I knew she shouldn�t be driving but she was really annoying me. I didn�t think she�d find her car anyways. I wasn�t even sure she had a car. Too many games and bullshit. I needed to get back to my shit and break out. As sexy as she was, I was growing bored with the bullshit.

I walked away and headed back to the bar.

�Yo G, this girl�s getting annoying. She probably shouldn�t come back in.�

�Aiight man�

By the time I sat down she was right behind me. My boy couldn�t let this show stop. It�s better than watching old rich folk get it on. Great, I was the drunken center attraction to this fucking carnival.

She had two drinks waiting for her that she had no business even attempting to handle. I was now messing around with her with beer in hand, trying to nudge her face out of the way once in a while to take a swig.

E came up and pulled me aside.

Now I know there�s a lot of �working girls� at this bar. My cousin tells me plenty of stories about how they run their game and how he has to manage the business about it. Every seat at a bar is money and if some working girl is sitting there drinking club sodas looking for work, he�s losing a seat. So he hooks them up with clients and they give him a small percentage.

�Man, did y�all buy me a girl?�

Big laughter� �No�

�Come on cuz, you know my situation. You didn�t pay this silly bitch?�

�No. Never seen her before (I knew he was being honest).�

�Look man, women don�t come on this strong. Not to the point where you can�t get rid of them�

�She�s not a working girl. At least not that I know of. You better fuck this little bitch�

�Hell naw man, I don�t fuck strangers�

�Don�t gimme that shit, this girl�s all over you.�

�Not gonna happen primo. I�m gonna help her find her car and then go home and sleep�

�Man if you don�t fuck her, I will�

I knew it was a bluff, though I�m sure he�d run the game anyways. He�s a happily recently married man, and he�s not fuckin around. He went to talk to her. Probably telling her to make sure to take me home and fuck the shit out of me.

While he was talking to her I pulled G to the side.

�You gonna stick your dick in her?�

�Hell naw dude, you know I don�t fuck strangers. You buy me a girl you motha fucker?�

�Na man. Not at all.�

�Alright man. Well I�m gonna help her find her car then break out. Let me get the keys to the apartment�

�No doubt, here man. You sure you can drive?�

�No, I might take a cab or some shit. It�s all gravy.�

�Alright, the condoms are on the shelf by the window in my room�

�I told you man, not gonna happen�

�Well whatever, you know where they are�

�Alright whatever. Good lookin out� Peace�

�Peace�

I thought to myself, I should get rid of this silly bitch, put my car in a garage and take a cab home. I was done. Oh, but no� I�m too stupid to be that. I felt kinda bad for the girl. Wasted, friends long gone, can�t find her car. I had that familiar feeling I get when taking care of someone that overdid it for the night. A lot of times, due to my own coercion. I�ve been in this position thousands of times.

My cousin covered my tab and we stumbled out.

�Let�s find your car�

We wandered for about 20 minutes. Stopping once in a while against shadow darkened walls to mess around. We found a covered entrance area to some local building and stood there. It was cold and raining. We were drunk, hungry and exhausted. Lips swollen and red neck bites on my neck and a fucked up afro. The entrance area wasn�t warm, but it was dry and shielded from the wind.

I held her tight to keep her warm. I was annoyed. I hate silly games and lies and the Puerto Rican women in my life have been famous for it. She was fitting that bill perfectly.

�Let me have your number�

�No�

�Look, I don�t know why you�re fucking with me. If you think I�m one of the regular rich cats at that place, you�re dead wrong. If you�re trying to get back at some boyfriend by fucking some miscellaneous shlub at some miscellaneous bar, you picked the wrong tool, and if you really expect me to believe you�re as dumb as you want me to think, then you have no idea who you�re fucking with.�

She just stared at me. That little rant hit home. I just wasn�t sure of the address.

�Look, I�m getting tired of this shit. I�ve been straight with you since we started talking. When you�re not being silly, you actually seem to be pretty cool. I�d really like to talk to you sober. Let me have your number�

�But��

�Whatever man, I�m standing outside in the cold with you. The sun�s beginning to break and I can�t get a real fucking conversation out of you.�

Her eyes softened.

�Ask me whatever you want�

I�m not one to grill a person, but I was about to. I wanted to find out who this girl was. I was still partially convinced I was being played. I was still partially convinced that this girl was a purchase. Was she well paid and just doing her job? Was she working me? If I took her to my boy�s place, would she call up 6 dudes to come and grab all G�s shit? I�ve known women who have done worse, and I�ve known men who�ve had worse done to them. I drilled down everything I�d asked her all night, some with more detail.

�Is your name really L?�

�Yes�

�What�s your last name?�

�[her last name]�

�How old are you?�

�22�

�Are you really in school studying to be a chiropractor?�

�Yes, and I work for a doctor�

�Let me see your ID�

She handed me her ID. Her hair was black in the ID, not the brown and red with highlights that I�d been grabbing all night. Her eyes stayed soft and trusting through the conversation. Somehow she wanted to convince me that I was right to stick around.

�Who�s Puerto Rican, your father or your mother?�

�My mother�

�And your father?�

�My grandmother always changes it. Lots of European countries�

�Do you really have a car?�

�Yes�

�Let me see the keys�

She handed me her keys.

�What kind of car is it?�

�A silver thunderbird�

�Who are you, and why are you fucking with me?�

�I like you�

�You don�t know me�

�I know, but I just like you�

�You have a man?�

�Yes�

�Where is he?�

�He�s in Cypress on business�

�When�s he get back?�

�I don�t know. He�s been gone for 8 months�

�What�s your number?�

�[her number]�

I put it into my phone and called her. Her phone rang in her pocket.

�Alright, well it�s cold out here. You still don�t know where your car is?�

�No, I really don�t�

�Alright, well I�m parked two blocks from here. Let�s go warm up�

We walked to the car, I put on the heat and the radio and pulled the seat back. She did the same. We talked for a bit. Finally some decent conversation. She was out in 10 minutes. I sat and thought about the funny night for a bit. And about my ex. And about not being ready to drive home. I thought myself to sleep.

About a half hour later, I heard the latch of the passenger side door click and my eyes shot open. L was still out cold. A homeless dude swung the door open.

�You got a square?�

�What the fuck!? Hell naw man get the fuck outa here! Close the god damned door!! What�s the matter with you!?!?�

He shut the door and walked off. I shook my head remembering how bold homeless cats are in Chicago. I click the lock and looked over. She was cute asleep. Still unmade. Adorable lil snore. I passed out for another half hour.

I woke up and headed back to G�s. I woke her up and helped her out the car. We went into G�s and I offered her the bed while I prepared the couch. She sat on the couch and knocked out. She felt me sit at the other end of the couch.

�It�s cold, come here.�

I got up and grabbed two blankets and covered her.

�Maybe when you�re sober.�

She put her wet feet up on my lap and passed out. I was out soon after.

Her phone alarm started going off about an hour later. It went off every 10 minutes for about a half hour. I finally dug into her pocket, put the phone by her head and knocked out. 10 minutes later she kicked me in the chest. The alarm startled her.

�Oh shit, I missed my class�

�Fuck it, go back to sleep�

She knocked back out. Some other phone went off. It was the same ring as G�s�

�Who�s phone is that?�

�I think it�s G�s�

It rang 5 times in about 20 minutes. It wasn�t coming from G�s room though, and there�s no reason he would have left it. I went to the chair and checked my jacket. Some miscellaneous phone was in my pocket.

�Yo, who�s phone is this?�

�I don�t know, I somehow ended up with it last night�

�How did I end up with it?�

�I dunno�

�Alright, well I�m turning it off�

I came back and knocked out. Within a half hour her phone � back in her pocket � started clucking like a god damned chicken.

�What the FUCK is THAT!?�

She was out cold. I put it by her head again and knocked out. It turns out it was her boss calling. She was supposed to be at work by 1130. It was now 1230.

On the phone� �I know, I�m at school right now. I�l be outa class in an hour.�

She hung up�

�Fuck work, sleep�

�No, I should really get to work�

�Whatever man, you�re already late. I�m too tired to drive you right now.�

We laid there and talked for about a half an hour. More decent get to know each other conversation.

�You hungry?�

�Hell yeah, I�m hungry. Fuck it, lets go eat.�

�I look like shit�

�Not at all. Matter of fact, I�m pretty happy that I�m sober and you still look good�

�My hair�s all fucked up�

�Shut up, you look good�

�So what�s your impression of me?�

�I haven�t made up my mind yet�

�Alright, well be honest, what was your first impression of me?�

�Hmm� Who�s this ho with her tongue down my throat?�

�What?!�

�You asked for honesty. Not that I�ve bullshitted you once yet.�

�I know, but that was pretty harsh�

�Whatever man, you know you were quick yesterday. And shit, you�re here aren�t you. I wasn�t pulling shit like everybody in the damned bar including you was rooting for me to do.�

I went and washed my face a bit and grabbed some water. When I got back, she was in a conversation that could ONLY take place between a woman and her man. Something about him going out last night and lying about it. I could hear his thick greek accent from across the couch. He was full of shit. I could hear it in his voice and in her responses. She didn�t even care about his story, she just didn�t want to be lied to. Seemed familiar.

So we went to the breakfast spot me and my boys have been going to for 12 years. We talked. Really talked. I liked her. She�s from the suburbs. She moved around a lot. She lived in the Bronx for about 10 years and when they lived there, her mother was really strict.

�How come you knew me so well last night?�

�I didn�t. I thought you were trying to rob me.�

�What?�

�Look, whatever. I�m only here for a couple weeks. I want to spend some more time with you.�

�Good. Me too.�

We went downtown and started looking for her car. We drove around for about two hours, hoping SOMETHING would come back to her. Nothing. And her boy wasn�t calling back. Her boss called about 5 times. We stopped at the downtown towing lot. Nothing.

By about 330 I took her to work, which happened to be about 5 blocks from G�s. G called as he was on his way home from his girl�s and I had his keys. Right on time.

We got back and I told him what the deal was. 20 minutes later, L called and apologized for taking my lighter. She was being very sweet.

�I�m really sorry. I must�ve grabbed it when I got out of the car.�

�I�m gonna see you again, right?�

�Of course!�

�Good, cuz you still owe me dinner�

�And we�re gonna go to the museum.�

�Right. So don�t worry about the stupid lighter. Let me know when you talk to your boy so we can get your car�

�Ok. I�ll talk to you soon�

I went up to eat lunch with G. Told him about the rest of the night. Funny shit.

She called. �Hey, my boy just called. He kinda knows where my car is. I know you�re tired and probably sick of me, but could you---�

�Well, I need to eat and shower up, then I�ll give you a hand�

�Are you sure?�

�Comepletely�

I had a couple tamales, showered up and headed out. I had to meet my parents in an hour and a half for dinner. I called and left her a message that my time was short, but that I�d take her to the general neighborhood where her car was so her and her boy could look for her car.

I met up with my parents and my cousins for dinner at a Steak place on Good Friday.

�Grandma would be smacking us all in the head right now,� my father said in Spanish.

A few drinks into the night, while waiting for our table, L called. She was still wandering around looking for her car. I felt bad that she still hadn�t found it.

�You gonna be ok?�

�Yeah, I�ll be alright. It�s gotta be around here somewhere. My phone�s dead. I�m using a friend�s.�

�Alright, well I should be done in a couple hours. Gimme a call and let me know what happens�

�I will. I�ll talk to you soon. Thank you for being so sweet.�

�Um� yeah� sure.�

�I think we met for a reason.�

�Ha! A reason, huh? To find your car?�

�No, silly.�

�Alright, well maybe we�ll figure all that out�

That�s the last I spoke to her. I was exhausted and my father was getting belligerent. Dinner was incredible. I wanted a steak, but my stomach was really fucked up from some left over chicken from the other night. I had half my meal and started talking shit to attack my father a bit (humorously) to calm him down a bit. He can get pretty bad, and everyone seemed to get a bit annoyed by it, so I had to step in nonchalantly.

I called L and left her a message. She lives about an hour from here so I�m not sure when she�ll get home to charge her phone and get it.

I stopped at the bar and grabbed G�s keys. The manager offered me a drink and everybody was giving me dap for the night before.

�You stick your dick in her?�

�You two get nasty last night?�

�How�d it go yesterday? You fuck that pretty lil thing?�

My response was the same throughout.

�Na man, I don�t fuck strangers. She�s a pretty cool chick. Alright I�m out. I�m tired as shit.�

Went back to G�s, and proceeded to watch TV til I knocked out.

Crazy couple of days.

-------------------------------------

Just got a call a few minutes ago. L�s man is back in town on Monday.

�So you�re saying I�m not gonna see you again�

�Oh no, I�ll definitely see you again. I just gotta find out how long he�s in town.�

�Well whatever, let me know�

�Alright sweetie, I�ll talk to you tonight�

I don�t know if I�m gonna see see her again. I don�t know if she�s got some dude who comes in from Cypress every few weeks. I don�t know if she�s even got a man, or if any of the shit she told me besides her name is even remotely true. Not sure if it matters to me either. Just trying to keep busy, I guess.

Fuck it. The adventure continues.