Season Pass
2005-05-11 3:04 a.m.
�I�ve been alone. Shit, when I came to New York, I was single for 2 years��Yeah, but other than that you�ve always been with someone.�
It�s not so much my capability of aloneness as is the preference of a travel companion. And even though I�ve explained in great detail the impossibility of a distant relationship, here I am, lost in a post fantasy (just like a fantasy, but after the fact) about yet another perfect couple of days far away from where I live. The purpose of the trip was to conclude this craziness and the end it�s merely been reconfirmed and even strengthened.
For a moment I thought it might be the challenge I�ve presented myself with my views on such things. I�ve put in so much time into so many drinks to convince so many that a relationship is nothing when obstructed by large distances for large amounts of time. And I meant it. Well, most of the way. I�ve seen it work and well, but only in special cases, like when one goes off to the army. And every time the two must re-introduce themselves upon every rendezvous.
It�s tempting to blow this off as my general disbelief in impossibility. I am the king of making the world bend in my favor, and the mere idea of impossibility makes my brow furrow and fingers tingle, ready for a battle with the systems and ideologies of the world. Impossibilities are my forte.
But this is far more than impossibility. It�s far more that a passing need for �someone�. Our logical minds beg us to just leave it be, but the more intelligent and worldly of our inner voices allow us to be emotional masochists. We�ve jumped into a game of bloody knuckles, and both of us are too fucking proud to say when.
Admittedly I�ve coerced her, prodding her wildly competitive side � coaxing her to believe I can hold on longer than she can. She held her fists out and took the blow. Her knuckles began to swell and she was ready to say fuck it � not worth it. But once she saw me standing over her smirking, she stood right back up and locked knuckles with full force. And so it began, and will painfully continue.
Who knows how long it will last, and I�m the last to attempt to predict such things. I�d be happy with just one more weekend, and even happier with hundreds more. I know that I�m happier now than I have been in a very long time.
So here I am� back in LA� looking back at the weekend with tired eyes and a deep smile, impatiently awaiting the next trip � as a 10 year old who just spent an all access, no line weekend at six flags. Ready to brag to all my friends about all the great rides and the hot dogs and the ginormous bugs bunny I won from knocking down all the milk bottles after only two tries.
So here I am, digging through my trapper keeper and minced folders, putting the silly doodles aside � posting a few of the good ones on my bedroom wall - organizing. I need more folders and some more loose leaf paper. I have to put new covers on my books and maybe I�ll sit at the front of the class� eh.. probably not - but at least a couple seats up from the back. I gotta bring the good grades home so we can go again soon. Fuck gold stars and I don�t give a damn about getting shit on the fridge or new transformers or a new big wheel, I can just take em from the kids down the block like I always have. No, I want a season pass to this madness that devours my senses and leaves me thoroughly fulfilled.