A Lil More Time In The Sun
2005-05-04 1:50 a.m.
It�s actually been a quiet month. One would think a major move across the country with a stop at home would be incredibly hectic, and in some rights it has been. Be overall. Calm and quiet. Akin to a club on a Friday night without any fights. There�s a lot of shit going on, but it�s the shit you came out to be a part of. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing surprising or nuts.When I dove into some shit in Chicago I expected it to be over when I left. The girl was really dope, and we had an incredible time together. We�d both agreed that the whole long distance thing is silly and never works. We�d both said our goodbye�s and meant �em.
But a few days later I realized that I missed her like hell. The yearning was reciprocated and we�ve talked every night since. I don�t know what the hell to call what we have. There�s no category that quite fits. We�re very close in a lot of ways, and we�re consistently reminded of our distance. We fall again at first breath of each other�s voice and we hurt more 3 sentences in when reminded that the conversation will only be via some miscellaneous satellite.
I hate living in summary. I want to smell her� and taste her. I want to touch her knee under the table as an inconspicuous reminder that I�m there. I want her to understand the words �I miss you� through a direct and painful stare. I�ve given up on restraint. There�s that voice within reminding me that this won�t go anywhere. It�s nearly impossible, if not for the distance than for our ages and ambitions. But something within holds on tight, as if it knows better and scoffs at the silly idea that this could end any time soon�
So I�m gonna go see her this weekend. My hair stands on end at the thought of sharing a breath and a glance with her, and 3 days of it will probably singe my senses just short of paralysis. We�ve got a whole list of plans, which may very well become 3 passionate and intellectual days in bed�
I continue to leave rationality in complete abandon, holding strong the idea that I�m more rational now than ever. She laughs at me when I tell her that I�m the more rational of the two, but she still holds on anyways, as if she at least wants to believe it.
�.
Elsewhere things are good. I mentioned earlier that my entire face got completely demolished by acne, and that�s by no means an exaggeration. Luckily a couple hours of research and one of the most helpful emails (from the amazing N, from round these parts) I�ve ever received from anyone came through to save the day. My face is clearing up and my confidence grows as it goes.
Work is pouting in like the sunlight out here. I still haven�t gone out much. I�m rather enjoying being �home� for a bit. A month on various couches and floors does quite a bit to one�s balance. I�ve quite a few invitations for lunches, dinners and drinks out here that I�ll probably start taking up this week.
Our apartment fucking rocks. I wasn�t sure how I felt about it at first, but I think I was just trying to keep my hopes leveled before my roommate came to see it. If I loved it and he hated it I think it mighta fucked with me quite a bit. I�m putting far too much out there right now to be shitted on. I�m sure it would have been inadvertent, but it woulda been enough to get he stress pot boiling.
I�ve been taking a bunch of naps lately. Sleeping on the floor here has been fucking hell as far as actually waking up rested is concerned. I woke from a nap today about ready to hit the beach to even out my fucked up miscellaneous shirt etched tans and burns when I got a call. 2 nice brand new queen size beds for $180 a piece. Free delivery. We met the guy, got the beds and proceeded to pass out within the next 15 minutes. Best sleep I�ve gotten since� well� since I�ve been with S.
And now� well now I�m starting to feel at home. It�s been nice � a quiet week in my own apartment. Granted we still need couches and a refrigerator. Our current fridge is a lil cooler we used for the drive over. But we pulled off our first day of home cooked meals. An omlet for breakfast, one for lunch and a steak and potato dinner. Unfortunately we can�t cook enough or hold enough to have leftovers and whatnot, but it�s nice to have control over all the shit that goes in my body for once out here.
At the very least I�m feeling better. My face is clearing up.. I�ve been jumping rope and doing some basic shit every morning and walking every afternoon. We�re gonna start playing ball every morning around 6am as of� well as of about 4 and a half hours from now. I figure this gut should be gone in no time. It�ll be nice to be somewhat fit again.
I suppose the only �other� drama I have now is talking to my ex. There�s been no upfront drama with that. Everything�s cordial and cool. She�s doing well, but she hates the stagnant air in our conversations now. It�s as odd as an armpit afro on an asian woman, and I know my seeming lack of presence in the conversation isn�t helpful. There�s just not much for me to say. I can read her silence like a book. She wants to scream at me for leaving. She hates me for not being there. But she won�t go there. She just holds up the front that she knows she should, and it�s hard for me to express how much I appreciate that. I promised to spend a day with her when I get to NY, but the first sign of an attempt at revival and I�m calling R for couch space.
Well whatever. I know I�m not delving so deep right now. The deepest it gets for me is this weekend in Chicago, and well... such things are not meant for the eyes and ears of those who haven�t earned one of the two front row tickets to the show.