Siberian Train Wreck

2010-01-08 2:02 a.m.
I really wanted to talk about this with you in person, but you're not answering your phone. Anyways, this might be the best way for me to get it all across. Sorry, I know it's a bit long, but I want you to see this whole thing through my eyes for a moment.

Our first date was the absolute definition of magical. It was damned near perfect. Good food, great conversation, getting to know each other, smiles and laughs, a couple drinks, our first kiss, walking around, kissing over coffee, more conversation and wandering, and a kiss goodnight. It was poetic. It was what I think every first date aspires to be and almost never becomes.

I'd been on a cloud since then. I couldn't wait to see you again. It just so happens you work at my most recently favorite bar, but I tried to leave some space between us. I didn't want to see you at work because at work, you're the bartender and I'm the patron - and I don't want you serving me, I want you with me. So I planned another date...

When you texted on Monday, I immediately closed out my tab, tipped the band, and started walking your way. I was excited and I spent a couple hours enjoying another great conversation with you, but of course you're working and so I was merely a patron. But so be it - I get to walk you to a cab and at least hopefully get another of those kisses I'd become such a fan of.

And then things went sideways. I'll never understand that moment. I was embarrassed. I felt like an idiot, and had no idea why as I was sure I hadn't done anything wrong. Suddenly the night was a hell of a lot colder and the walk home a hell of a lot longer.

***** The Details ******

I'd been walking her a couple avenues over so she could grab a cab home. I said something ridiculous as I always do and she replied "you just want to kiss me." This was true, so I grabbed her arm and pulled her in. After a moment she pushed away with an angry look.

"What's going on?!"

"You're fucked up!!"

"What!? I've had 2 beers in the last 3 hours and you're the one who gave them to me!!"

"No, not that, you're all coked up!!"

"What. The FUCK!?!?!?"

"You're all coked up!!"

She stormed off. I caught up and turned her around.

"What the fuck are you talking about?! I haven't tried coke since I was 12 years old!!"

"Oh come on, you know I don't care, just don't lie about it!"

"This is bullshit! I don't touch that shit!"

"I smell it on you and taste it and my toungue is numb from kissing you!"

She storms off again. I have no fucking clue what she's talking about. I catch up, the back and forth continues, finally she excalims that she just wants a cab home, so I flag one down and open her door. It was 5am. Nobody I could call and no bartender to complain to.

*****

But there were text messages and there was Tomorrow. Skeptical, but again happy to get a shot at a second date, I was all for it. I showed early and I was happy to see you but tired and still a bit frustrated about the night before. You saw that, and I brushed it away, and then the movie was Perfect. Holding hands, a bit of teasing, and a pretty good movie as well. As far as I could tell, our second date was going to be as good, if not better than the first. I was elated.

And then, straight from the bathroom the coke jokes begin...

***** The Details *****

She goes to the bathroom, and I grab a seat close by talking to a couple of the other guys waiting on their respective dates. About 15 minutes pass and she finally comes out. I give my usual return-from-the-bathroom quip "have fun?" And she responds "not as much fun as you have in bathrooms." As if a coke-joke would have somehow been funny to me.

*****

"Buzz kill" is an understatement. I almost walked off right then and there. The problem with those jokes isn't that they're not funny, it's just that they have nothing to do with ME. If they were jokes about drinking or about something we've done together, sure, I'd see the humor immediately. But those jokes are completely removed from me. They're about your ex and possibly other people in your past, and now, the only thing those jokes remind me of is the night you blew up on me and left me confused.

But I decided to swallow it and find an opportunity to talk this over with you. Explain why the jokes and the night before didn't make sense to me try to find a fresh start. But then you were on the phone for a couple minutes, and then you shot down a walk down 2nd avenue, and then we walked for a bit and there was a kiss - which made me think things might possibly be ok. But from then on you walked a step ahead of me and wouldn't look at me and from what I could tell didn't want to be within 5 feet of me. I commented that it seemed like you didn't want to be there, but it continued.

And in the end, you tell me I should have asked you to come home with me - as though you'd given me a single reason from the moment we left the theater to think that you wanted to be near me at all. And yet again, I'm left frustrated and confused - and this time with a candy wrapper explanation of "too late, you missed your chance, try again next time."

***** The Details *****

After a long walk where I'm doing most of the talking (which is rare these days), she stops "I think I'll just get a cab." Disappointment is an understatement. She stands for a moment looking at me.

"Obviously you're waiting for me to say something."

"Well, I was."

I knew what she meant immediately. It didn't make sense, but I knew what she meant. She raises her hand to flag a cab,

"yeah, you should have asked me to come home with you."

"What?!?! You were about to throw me into traffic less than 24 hours ago and now I'm supposed to figure you're ready to come back to my place?! Whatever, come home with me then."

"No, it's too late now."

"Come on, this is silly."

She gets into the cab, and I'm left in the cold again.

This time it was earlier. Called up GF and met up with her to rant. Called up MA and head out to Brooklyn to rant to a bunch of people. Had a few shots and hopped into a cab. A few blocks from home, my phone rings.

"Hey, look, I'm really sorry. I'm just confused. I really wanted to go home with you, but I just wasn't sure I was ready."

"Look, don't worry about that, just quit playing this bullshit. You want to come over, then just say so - done deal. Nothing happens when we get there, so be it. Just stop fucking with me."

"I know, I'm sorry. After the show on Thursday, I'll come over and we'll figure it out from there"

"Perfect."

She texted the next morning apologizing for the phone call. I called. Nothing. So I wrote this piece you're in the middle of reading now.

*****

I get that you're confused, and you don't know where you want to take this. That's fine - and it's mutual. Of course I want to be with you - if the time is right an we're both into it. Not forced or awkwardly or uncomfortably - naturally. As naturally as we get along when we do.

In the end, I'm a romantic. I have my limits, but I'm patient and understanding, and so I'm willing to deal with a couple confusing nights in the hopes that more amazing ones come about. We don't have to do anything that we don't feel like doing. I've Never expected Anything of you, as that would be unfair. So if you come by for an evening and nothing happens, that's perfect.

I want to give it all another chance. We have the show tomorrow and an evening for ourselves where we can try. Or I could see you in a week, when my friend leaves town. Or we could say goodbye - try to be friends and at the very least go back to our original relationship - strangers in a bar. That last one sucks, and I despise it. I wish it weren't an option at all. The 2nd one is ok, i guess - but my favorite is the first.

Personally, I can't wait to see you again and I'm excited about tomorrow. I hope you feel the same.

***** ... *****

I've seen her at work a couple times since. I offered to take her out again and she said she'd be interested, but after all that bullshit I'm not too sure I really care for it - regardless of how god damned gorgeous she is.