Lover's Day

2010-02-15 2:14 p.m.
I was having a privately sad Lover's day. Went to grab dim sum with Lil J, the girl I'd been throwing myself at a couple months ago. We kissed a couple times, but in the end it turned to nothing but a good friendship - which is fine by me (and preferred now that I know her better, actually). While in Chinatown, we met with D, CR and his new obsession H, who I happen to like very much for him. The conversation breezed past me while the back of my head shouted. Yesterday was the year anniversary for the day I told the woman I'd hoped to spend my life with to leave. Not exactly - a couple days off, but Feb 14 of last year was the heaviest of it.

They wanted to grab dinner and I just didn't feel up to it. Figured I'd pour myself a drink and take a nap and hoped to become a bit more fun by the evening. While numbing on my couch, I sent out a couple lover's day / happy new year texts. One response was a surprise. It was from the Artist. The girl I now refer to my friends as "spraypaint girl".

We'd seen each other once for dinner a few weeks ago - first since our falling out last year. Dinner was fantastic. Friendly. Good conversation. Back to "normal." We set up another day to hang out, but life got busy and we never did.

I offered a drink along with a few Lunar New Year jokes and she accepted. Didn't think much about it. I had a thorough infatuation with her last summer, which seemed mutual - but we never took that anywhere. She was a rebound with whom I'd never actually "rebounded".

"One drink" became 3 hours. Once again a gripping conversation as we swam deeper into our whiskey and in her odd sort of way the question came up.

"Be completely honest with me. What are you thinking right now?"

"Well, about our conversation, of course, but otherwise, that I'd really like to kiss you right now."

It seemed like she ignored it and the conversation went on until we went out for a smoke.

"What difference do you think it would make?"

"I'm missing something"

"Forget it"

"Don't do that. What difference would what make?"

"If we kissed right now, what do you think would happen after?"

"Nothing in particular, I've just always wanted to kiss you."

"Why?"

"Because I love your lips. Because I love kissing."

"So you don't think it'll change anything?"

"What could it possibly change?! It's like a good conversation. A way to get to know you better."

I said something, don't remember what, that made her step away for a moment. I stepped a bit closer to her and she sat on the stoop next door to the bar.

"Ok I'm ready?"

"What?!"

"Come down here."

"On my knees?!"

"Yes."

It was silly, but I wasn't going to pass it up. Got on my knees in front of her and enjoyed what was likely to the best kiss I've had in FAR too long. A perfectly intimate moment. My knees were frozen and shaking from the icy concrete, but my lips were dancing in the sunlight. She came back to me. I came back to her. We held each other. It was the first Real connection I've had in far too long. It made the dinners and evenings with all these other women seem like glances and brushed elbows on a subway at rush hour.

"If I went home with you, do you think it would change anything?"

"It wouldn't, but you're not coming home with me."

"So if I offered to come back to your place right now, you wouldn't?"

"No"

"You don't want to be with me?"

"Of course I do. You're one of the sexiest women I've ever met. But we're not going back to my place tonight."

We got up and started walking back to the bar.

"What if I asked in 20 minutes."

"Fuck if I know!!"

She laughed. We got back to the bar and I sat down. She kept standing.

"I have to go home."

I stared at her for a moment to take in the full meaning.

"Aright."

"I just..."

"Stay."

"You're just doing this so I'll want you more next time I see you."

"I'm not playing games."

She stared at me for a moment.

"I know you're not."

She sat down.

"So you think it would change things. You don't think you could be with me and have it be meaningless?"

"Look, I'm completely capable of just fucking. But if I'm going to be with you I don't Want it to be meaningless."

She blushed. She kissed me on the cheek sweetly. She left.

I wrote this about her last year. I really did have that dream, and I really did go back to sleep to have it again. The real thing was far better.