Sticky

2006-05-23 4:36 p.m.
DM is one of my exes from way the fuck back� One of my first partially serious things. Would have been my first a lot of things but she had a bad reputation (as did I) and at the time I was terrified of sex and all the things that exchange and spawn from such acts.

So, regardless of how our recent conversation made its way, the subject of masturbation arose. I am Amazed that there are people on this planet who at the age of 30 (just under) still say things like �I don�t have to masturbate since I can get it whenever I want.�

I was saying that bullshit when I was 15 - when I knew damn well I was trying to stick my dick in various inanimate objects since the age of 6 in hopes of understanding why it does what it does, feels how it feels, and yields what it yields. Sticky. Icky. Icky.

Seriously� after 30 years on this planet� Besides having a rather whorish drawl to it, it�s like saying, �well instead of attending to the occasional tingling behind my ear, I just ask my neighbor to come by and knock me in the head with a baseball bat a few times.�

Scratch the itch, people. It is essential. One must know how and where they want to be touched because nobody else will. They might guess, but you should know best.

Do not allow others to discover things you�ve never explored when it�s your own body � the only thing on this planet you actually own. Grow up people, the �masturbation is bad� mantra is for people who need imaginary friends to tell right from wrong (not specifically a burn on religion � just those who choose religion over common sense).

So� if you haven�t already. Find yourself a nice quiet evening. Play whatever music makes you feel a little dirty or sexy or soft or whatever. Don�t worry about lubricants and toys just yet, for the same reason you don�t bring such things to a first date. Get in bed or in the bath or shower or in the middle of time square and take care of business. Explore that beautiful blessing we�ve all been born with.

But most importantly, masturbation doesn't make you into a whore. Replacing masturbation with miscellaneous partners might. So... at least update the excuse for your phobia of thy own body.