The Talk
2004-05-23 7:39 a.m.
Man, I just had a great walk / run. As I�d mentioned before, I�ve been walking about 3 miles 4 � 6 days per week. That�s been going really well, as well as keeping my food portions down and just plain eating healthier shit. I�m down to 220 (from about 228 / 230) in the past month. I just ran about 1 of those 3 miles this morning. Not all at once. I get pretty thoroughly exhausted after 2 blocks, and bring it down to a walk for a few, then run a couple more blocks and so on. I�m not worried though. It�s my first time running in about 6 months, and I AM still a smoker.I had the big talk with my girl yesterday. She came with me for a walk in the afternoon and we stopped at a new bar with an outside area to check it out. Over a light beer and a smoke she brought up the fact that I�ll be leaving in about 6 months.
If I haven�t mentioned it, or you just don�t recall, I plan on leaving NY by the end of this year / beginning of next year. From what I can tell, LA or San Francisco is the next stop, but nothing is set in stone. I�m waiting on two things. First is saving up some money, which seems to be coming along very nicely. And second is helping my boy G. get the fuck out of Chicago.
Don�t get me wrong, Chicago is THE place. I love it, and I go back to it at least 3 times a year for about 3 � 7 days at a time. No matter what, Chicago is always home for me. But getting G. out is something different. The thing about Chicago, and well from what I can tell, a lot of places, is that you get stuck there. You get stuck in the routine of life. School, Job, Girl, Kids, Retirement, Death.
It�s not a bad cycle, and I don�t feel bad for those who go through it, or feel I�m better than them by any means. Much the contrary in many ways, as I often wish I would be happy with such a set path. But I�m not. And during our road trip last year, I�d found that G. is not either.
So I told him, as someone who I feel is a brother to me, that should he want to leave Chicago and go ANYWHERE (as long as it�s not Utah), I�m down. Say the word, and we out. Unless, of course, I have a family, but that goes without mentioning. So my last trip to Chicago, I hooked him up with my cousin for a gig in a well known upper crust bar. He�s been doing well there, and he called me a couple weeks ago saying that it�s time to go at the end of the year.
I�ve been feeling it�s about time to move on, though. Regardless of G. getting out of Chi or not, it�s time for me to continue. Better weather, new people, and whatever else. I figure I only have about 5 to 8 more years of moving around whenever the hell I feel like it.
So the conversation went well. I told my girl that what�s more important to me than anything is that she knows what she�s going to do once I�m gone. She�s about to take a promotion to a managerial position at her job to up the income, and I�m gonna knock off her credit card once I get the check I�ve been waiting for (500 of which is mine from bail in Utah, 1500 of which is about 95% hers � but no bullshit � art supplies and necessities).
But she�ll still need a place to live. J. is moving out here to get an apartment with L. (they gotta wait til I�m on my way out, right?), and I told my girl that they�d probably love to have her there. But she figures staying would be best. So I�ll probably keep the lease here so her and our roommate can stay. I would hope the landlord might let me sign it over to her, just so she�ll have it in her name, but they�re pretty tight on who�s on the lease (although great otherwise).
And then we finished our beers and went on with our walk� very quietly. I knew what the deal was, but it wasn�t meant for the public to watch, especially at 7pm, Saturday on a busy street in Brooklyn. So we finished the walk in near silence, but holding hands�
Once home, I feel she started it very well. �I feel as though someone just stamped an expiration date on our relationship.� There was nothing for me to say. I mean sure, I could go on with the best friends, and love is until the last breath thing, but she knows it � because it�s absolutely true. I�ve never told a woman (or anyone) that I loved her that I don�t still think about and check up on upon to this day. Well, except one, but that was by her request. We�ve had this conversation before. I told her I�d be eventually leaving the day we first hooked up. I just didn�t expect it to take me 3 years.
And as for the one girl I love but no longer talk to. Well, she�s the reason I made sure to be completely up front about leaving. After 5 years together, 2 months notice and I was off to NY. It broke both our hearts (you can read earlier posts to see that), but it made her hate me, which was far worse than anything. I couldn�t stand to have that happen again. To have someone you love, turn and hate you is the hardest thing to ever deal with. And it never goes away. Never.
So we talked it out. We cried. We laughed a bit. Held for a couple hours. Had some absolutely incredible sex. Fell asleep in a tangle of arms, legs, torsos and appendages. I never doubted that this would be hard, but now at least I know we�re both dealing with the split together. It�s an equal decision, and we�ve agreed that it�s good.
She�ll get to live on her own for the first time in her life, and I get to continue my quest for whatever the hell it is I�m searching for.
And� well� that�s what it�s all about.