Unregrettable
2005-08-27 11:23 p.m.
Think back 7 or 8 years to a more optimistic time. Think of the grandiose ideas you shared with your best friend back then. Those dreams unhampered by cubicles and bills and rent and the monotonous daily grind and waking up at 6am to go somewhere you hate to be around people you can�t stand. Think about those incredible ideas you had about taking over the world. About being successful in whatever it is you wanted to do and about being able to travel the world on a whim. About having the entire planet at your fingertips to do with what you pleased.
I haven�t shared my dreams with many people. As a matter of fact, since I�d left home I hadn�t shared them with anyone. They were private and personal to me. They were a secret conversation I had with someone close to me. They were the dreams I�d keep out of harm�s way from the many who would love to hold them as pissing targets.
I had ONE regret in my life, and the annoyance and pain and frustration of that regret is what got me �here� (dland) in the first place. It wasn�t leaving home or moving to NY or any of the crazy fucked up shit I�ve been privy to since birth...
After four and a half long turbulent years M and I were FINALLY in a place where we no longer took each other for granted. I was sure we�d be married with a family some day far down the line (post-pending-success). She was as well.
I mean shit, for al I knew, I would have stuck around 2 extra weeks, we would�ve failed miserably and I could�ve left wit ha clear head. But instead, I chose to pick up and take off, with about a month�s notice. I had some growing up to do if I was going to become what we�d promised ourselves we�d be. And I was never going to grow up with the locals sleeping on my couch and floor getting me drunk and stoned and inviting me into very scandalous shit every day. If �we� were going to make it, I needed to be much stronger.
And for 5 years I�ve hated the fact that I�d lost my best friend. For 5 years, I�ve missed her, with recurring dreams and nightmares about us meeting again. For 5 years I�ve secretively been waiting for her to call me to ask me to come home. For 5 years I�ve had some unfinished business that would continue to tug at my sense of direction.
And 5 years later, my regret has finally been relieved of its duty. In all the scenarios my intoxicated and dreary mind had ever conjured for our eventual meeting, there was one thing I�d never considered. Sure I�d considered she�d be largely successful, potentially married to some guy far smarter than me, potentially well into motherhood. I�d considered that we�d probably either hit it off and be friends again or completely hate each other after one conversation, or suddenly drop everything and be together again. You name it and my twisted head put it together. Thousands of settings and situations�
Well, everything but one. The actual one. The one where she�s right where she was when I left her. Well, not entirely. She�s graduated from college now with a marketing degree that she�s never put to use. She�s at the same job. She recently moved from home directly into a townhouse in the suburbs with her fianc�. She talks to 2 of the many friends she had back then. Her wedding is set in another year and a half from now.
Overall, she�s settled - and she�s right where she was when I left. She�s happy and for that I�m happy for her, but her tone in our emails show that it�s missing. S mentioned that it might be pent up bitterness, and maybe it�s even the bitterness that I am the reminder of what she was to be� or more probable, I�m reading too much into it.
It never occurred to me that she wouldn�t keep her end of the hopeful promises we got stoned and confessed all those years ago. It never crossed my mind that she would just stay home and settle.
I sure as HELL wasn�t gonna be the one in the townhouse in the suburbs awaiting a pending wedding. Fuck that. Even in marriage, which I've now far more faith in than I once had, I'm not done yet. I might settle down to be with one woman for life, but I'm not gonna stop moving and shaking until my hips break, liver shrivels, and lungs collapse.
Speaking of the long pending wedding, admittedly, I haven�t been to very many, but why the hell would anyone put off a wedding THAT far?!?! If I asked a girl to marry me and she agreed, but in a couple years, I�d probably revert and ask her in a couple years. I mean if you�re not sure, then I�m not either motha fucker.
Ok, Ok, I don�t know WHY it�s put off for so long, so I�ll stop speculating and just find out soon.
So, sure, maybe if I stuck around, her life would have been very different, and obviously mine would have as well. But the fact that it stayed where it was without me makes me glad I left. It gives due credit to my instincts. I�ve had this opportunity to see and do and learn so much. All this time I thought I might be in the wrong - at least slightly. It turns out I�m right where I should be. Holding firm to my word and enjoying every second of it.