Second Fiddle

2005-08-23 7:49 a.m.
My first couple months in NY were pretty rough. New city, recently broken up with my girl of almost 5 years, no friends, etc, etc. (familiar, no?) Actually, that loneliness was what got me writing this in the first place (read: you can find the details in the archives). Well, I haven�t talked to M since then. So, recently, while dealing with a proper swerve, I called her old number, talked to her mom for 5 minutes (who MUST have known I was plowed), and she was sweet enough to give me M�s email address.

We had a couple emails back and forth. General catching up stuff, but nothing incredibly personal. It�s hard enough catching up with someone after 5 years as is. Now try with someone you hurt badly enough to tell you to never call, write, email, anything ever again.

So anyways, I began writing this on napkins at a bar in NY a couple weeks ago. Ironically (well inspirationally, I suppose) while S was at dinner with her �first�. I�d forgotten about it until just the other day. That lil digital rendezvous inspired me to pull out those napkins and rewrite this�

so�

well�

here.

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In talking to my ex the other day (which I�m sure will become a very limited interaction � I�m so bad at hiding my thoughts and emotions these days), I got to thinking about something I feel a lot of people deal with but rarely own up to. Actually, I know a few women who own up to it, but I�m pretty sure guys keep it buried somewhere in the yard as well.

I�m referring to that mental love affair we maintain with the first person we�ve ever truly fallen for. Such things usually end badly and for retarded reasons, but mostly due to growing apart from different stages in one�s life or priorities or whatnot.

There�s an intrinsic naivety that surrounds a first. The ideals shoved down our throat by our romanticized stories (movies, magazines, music, etc) of love throughout our early years and the strange feelings we endure that we�ve never quite understand at the time. The first time we deal with such a powerful emotion we watch ourselves do fucked up things we feel other people should be locked up for. We find ourselves thinking of things that we would never admit. We become temporarily insane.

Eventually it�s somehow akin to your first fuck. Well, more like your third or fourth, I guess. That one that you actually enjoy for the first time. The one that�s still a little awkward but actually feels really good. Or similar to your first cigarette head rush or you first giggle fit from getting high. Those things we spend the rest of our lives chasing but never quite reaching. The cornerstone in our addictions.

Ah yes� the first love. The one where you found all the insecurity and writhing pain and emotion that you never imagined you would have. The one where all the nerves find their way to the surface for the first time, which you�ll probably never allow again � or at least not for a very longtime. The one that you�ll always be hopeful for and never truly get back. It sits there in the back of your head and at the bottom of your stomach, occasionally coming to light in a dramatic dream, or a drunken night alone, or a moment of procrastination during a �google session�.

I�m still maddeningly in love with my first. Well, I�m still in love with the 19 year old I left behind, as I don�t know the woman anymore. She�s 25 living in a town house with her fianc� in the suburbs now. I�m happy for her, I mean truly, deeply happy for her. Regardless of where (or with whom) she is or will be, she�ll always hold that spot at the top of the mountain � or on the roof, as it were.

Enter the second fiddle. Most everyone finds themselves in this position. It seems the further down the road you go, the less prominent the leading fiddle becomes in your thoughts. But they will always have that piece of your heart that you so harshly shy from giving to anyone else.

And as I thought about such things, I considered the fact that her guy (or guys � it�s been a while) have likely played second fiddle to me, or at least to my 20 year old form. And my last few have played second to her. And I recently played second to another. And so on and so forth.

So does anyone ever play third fiddle or do they all just replace each other? I suppose that would be like a girl on the side or some shit.

Well whatever. Carry on.