Love and Happiness
2001-11-14 2:19 a.m.
fucking shit.i belive the jury's out on an extended vacation in the case of my sanity. possibly not. I'm probably very sane and surrounded by nuts or something.
I was inspired by a fellow journal writer to write due to a similar experience the morning of the plane crash news extravaganza.
Please don't get me wrong, I feel VERY deeply for those in queens, and those in the DR and anyone else suffering from loss and the pain of the tragedy... I'll get back to the waking from the nasty news in a minute.
I went to Chicago for a couple weeks. It was fun and depressing all at once. Fun because of the weed smoke and nights out and nintendo... yes, the original, with hours and hours of super techmo bowl and paperboy and some dr. mario...
My ex, whom i still "talk to", still feels very attached. Which showed. She called twice a day while i was gone. sometime 6 times. Not entirely her fault, because i wasn't answering. Not to be a bastard, but because I was away to be away. I was in chicago to be in chicago. To see old friends and ex girlfriends from back then and mend old relationships, etc, etc... Not to talk about why I should stay together with an imprisoned girl (not literally for those who aren't up to date). i dont like the phone as it is, so that was annoying.
But what REALLY got me was everyone's rush to settle down. These are the people who inspired me to be me. The one's who yelled beside me at rallies and stole shit with me and painted walls with me and smoked oz's per day with me and sold 16 times as much just as regularly and partied with me and came near to death with me and enjoyed life with me. These are the girls i messed with or hooked up with my boys or passed around other groups of friends or studied with or had embarrassing nights with. These are my family. These people are the reasons I strive for greatness...
Well, about 80% of them are either having kids or already have them, or are married, one's on his way to a divorce, three moved to the suburbs for families, a few are engulfed in their careers, some can't come for a drink because of jealous boyfriend for girlfriend even when that significant other is invited along, some are just too tired to have fun. The too broke excuse wasn't going because a lot of the time i was buying... Happily.
It was fairly depressing. It sucked, actually. I began to realize why I left Chicago. Not to say everyone from there has the same experience, but I realize now what I knew then but denied. In Chicago everyone is ready to end life early. I mean I'm 23 god damnit. My peers talk to me like we're all in our 30's. You have 30 to 60 years to go and you're done?!?! GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!!
What the fuck?!!? I mean, i wasn't expecting 24 hours of pure party. I can't even keep up with that shit anymore... But, what's a drink? Or a lunch? Or a dinner? a breakfast? Whatever?!! I have no schedule, I'm on vacation. You tell me when you have 20 minutes, and let me stop by to say hi. Gimme a fucking hug, not an excuse!!
Don't tell me rolando doesn't like me because you and me have been talking for 8 years. Fuck him!! You've known him for a year!!! And i GUARANTEE he hasn't discovered what makes you drip yet. Is he worth losing a distant friend for? I introduced you to him god damnit!!! You should have heard the shit he was talking when he met you about how well he'd twist your fine ass out. He should have heard the shit you were talking after the first few short visits to your room. You can't see me... Sheeeiiiitttt!!
And as for Lector, yo.. It's great that you're getting your shit together. I'm proud of you that you don't smoke, drink, or speed while driving anymore. I'm proud of you for being down for your family, whether you like the girl or not. I'm glad you're moving up in your career. But what the fuck are you running from all your friends for?!??! So you don't drink, let me buy you a fucking Coke!!! Step away from the 18 hour a day job to walk across the street for a fucking club sandwich!! Ok, salmon mr sophisticated!! Forgot about the bread and mayo sandwiches rich boy?? And if you really think we're a bad influence on your good life, how the fuck do you think you got there!?!?! And no, I DONT want to play golf with you!! You pissed in the golf ponds with me! We fucking robbed golf mansions!!
(Actually, there's no Rolando or Lector, that's more a summary of about 12 or so stories)
There were good things. I took my boy's sister out, and talked to her for real for the first time ever. She's practiacally my sister through her brother and I never had a real conversation with her, so that was nice. And a couple more friends and i got closer. It seems like everyone who had been away from chicago for a period of time wanted to talk to me. A LOT of those conversations resembled pleas for help. Not that I'm some kind of savior or some shit, but rather that I've stayed away from the rut that's been kicking me in the asshole during that visit.
SO, the trip was GREAT and TERRIBLE.
The drive was disgustingly long, and 14 hours alone in the car never really gets better It just gets longer and longer.
SO, I got back to NY, and I've been working stupid hard. It's and unemployed life and trying to get to a profitable point in freelancing can be a bitch. Especially paying NY rent.
Being that I'm working so much, I'm stuck in half my apartment. I haven't showered in a few days (not to be nasty, but I havn't gone anywhere and I dont stink yet). I mean, I'm washing the essentials... Nuts, pits, teeth, and hair. But no showers. I think I'll take one after writing this realizing how nasty that is. And I'm a month and a half behind on laundry. At the same time I only have about 3 to 4 weeks worth of clothes on my selection. Oh, and I'm in SERIOUS need of a fade.
Back to waking up to the news the other day... I sleep with my laptop next to me and my TV blaring garbage (antennae tv which is worse than ever due to recent events)... So I'm in the middle of a nostolgic dream where everything is the same as it was in Chicago, but we're in new york. I am still dating a model. My boys are all hooked up, but we're all close. Nobody is dealing with divorces, or child support, or lawsuits, or bad suits. Well, at least nobody who isn't expected to be going through these things. The regulars. The ones who had baby's momas at 15, and and ugly rap sheet at 17... even after their record were cleared.
All is well, We're very ghetto in speech, but well off in dress and surroundings. This is how i saw the world years ago, and I assure I was smiling in my sleep. THEN... The phone rings about 30 times. I pick it up groggily and they hang up. I turn around with one eye open, and there's a devestating porn on hosted by an old guy in a bad suit. The terror porn we have been accustomed to. Commercial free filled with nasty analogies and disgusting facts barely related to the incident and highly related to the news reporters sick career.
Once again, my condolences to everyone who has experienced hard times in these times. From the people directly affected to those indirectly affected, who are looking for a job or a hug.
Turn the news off. NOW. Fuck the news!!! Call a friend. Not to talk, but to see them. If you have no friends, go out and make some. Go have fun, or cry, or whatever. BE. Don;t be what you WERE. Be a person. Show emotion. Hug someone. Share a Cookie.
Who put these whackos on my planet?
Oh, by the way. I'm still very tight with everyone I just talked shit about. And I said all this shit to all of them, individually. I talked my shit, and got my digital hugs, over the phone or IM or email or whatever.
I love you.
Tac.