Broken
2001-02-24 09:46:02
sometimes i forget that i'm a little nuts.But Tac, isn't everyone?
Yeah.. of course. Well, most everyone. Those who allow themselves to be, anyways. I by no means claim that i know everything. Or even a lot for that matter. But i definately know too much (as little as that may be).
I know too much about the way people interact. About energies, and the ongoing give and take battle between people. Friends, enemies, lovers, distant diary aquaintences. Our connections all have a different context, but are based on the same natural laws of give and take.
Sometimes I forget that the world soesn't live according to my rules. Rules that are faaar from any established law and in some ways, somewhat similar to some eastern philosophies...
I broke a friend down today. I mean, i took her entire being and handed it to her so intricately that it was unquestionable. So precisely that it was painful. I took her existance and made her into a case study for the fallacies involved with everyday interaction. I broke her.
Of course it was with the hopes of strengthening. Because although we don't have it in our power to grow back a limb, we DO have it in our power to emotionally pull ourselves back together and become stronger.
the problem is that i forget how painful it was to become as strong as i have. The trip from every day sheep to absolute honesty. And it's not fair for me to lead someone on that journey who is not ready nor may never want to be ready to walk that path. the path was my decision and only mine.
So now i have to help mend what the full forced swing of my mental and verbal hammer have shattered into a grotesque and wet mosaic of fears, misunderstandings and loss of innocence. I have to drain all of my own enrgy and put it into this woman to help her understand i meant only help and not harm. I have to humble myself...
The ability to take life and break it down to the most finite molecule is not a blessing, but rather a curse.
on a side note, and speaking of sheep, isn't it bug how sheep follow so many herds. I mean there's the commercial sheep, who are obvious. And then there's those who see those sheep. Recognize that they dont want to be followers, and then become underground sheep. Surrounded by a smaller herd with the same principles... Follow.
Also, speaking of wool or thread or whatever, isn't it bug that one article of clothing can be dry cleaned, while the other can't? And why does dry cleaning cost so god damned much. And how come my shit doesn't shrink when it's dry cleaned, but i have to give my shit to my younger cousins after i wash it.
I miss being scared of the dark.