Human First
2004-03-25 2:47 a.m.
i don't know everything. If you spend a couple hours with me with a few drinks in there somewhere, you might feel that I actually think i do. But no, I don't. I absolutely don't, not even kinda sorta close. The realization of that fact alone keeps me ahead of the game.Although, I've been through a lot.. yeah.. and I've met a lot of fuckin people. I say it in a vulgar sense to stress the A LOT. Homeless, rich, crackhead, educated, retarded (mentally), grimy, clean, etc. Ears wide open, ready to relate.
So when a new point comes along, I get geeked. A perspective I haven't considered or something that hasn't been brought to my attention. Now, I'm not referring to general book smarts as mine are thin. I'm referring to 'the way things work' kind of stuff.
So what was brought to my attention today? For one the reason behind my high school popularity, which, who gives a shit about. It gave me a solid stepping stone, but is long over.
Ok, so my ego got some support tonight, but that's not the excitement. And yes, I was getting quite a bit of attention from this girl A. who I met tonight, but like I said.. no trouble, nothing wrong with new friends. Gravy.
So basically the thought came to this. Since the day after a party I threw in Sophomore year in highschool, my life made a serious turn. I was already on this path to begin with, but this joint fortified it.
I threw a party. It started as a rumor, that I was planning one, and I decided .. fuck it - good idea. So I told N ( who I still talk to regularly ) about my idea. He drew up a flyer and called it 'The Bomb'. Ok, I know your snickering. I remind you that this was 93 / 94.
So instead of the usual circuit of hitting the neighborhood parties and passing the flyers out to the locals, we put them out throughout the school. It's a magnet school, so this was a different crowd. It's actaully one of the top schools in the midwest, so a very differnt crowd.
Well, it turns out that this party became the turning point and the beginning of many people's lives. I'd never considered this point until two people who I haven't seen in eight years brought the general idea to me.
This school full of smart motha fuckers (granted I got some kind of thought process, but essentially I was grandfathered in) who have been pressured into their existence their whole lives.
One party. One off chance of potentially having an ok time. Well, the party was so ill, I LITERALLY still get miscellaneous emails and letters and off the subject conversations about it. This is a party from 10 years ago mind you.
Well it turned out that all these cats, who were forced to be so fucking smart their whole lives... banned from their friends - who moved on to the public schools, sparkin shit up, and doin what everyone was doin. Whole lives with a 'better sense' of right an wrong and 'more responsibility' came together and realized we were all still fuckin kids. We were all 14 or 15. We all wanted to get fucked up and party and bullshit and party and bullshit and party and bullshit.
When J got all blasted and started tellin everybody he could fly, then got up and pissed out the window. When S. (RIP) passed out on the bathroom floor and people lined up to piss on him. When A. (who I just saw tonight for hte first time in 8 years) got his dick sucked on my bed and then bragged about ol girl swallowin him for the next year. When K. broke up with me because D. told her I was messing with her when I wasn't (lost a couple girls the same way around the same time - strange coincidence), as I'm just not that type. The kissing session in teh corner with the left over people betting on whether or not M. would get in our classmate, sleeping on a lenolium floor covered in a 2" lake of beer from a badly tapped keg about 6 hours prior. 6 AM slightly dozing off while listening to SL talk about his grandmother's afghans while we all told him to shut the fuck up so we could sleep. My grandmother running in and snapping on me whiel some cat said , what the fuck is the problem and then her tripping hte fuck out like "You tell me fuck!!! You tell me fuck!??!" in her horribly thick polish accent. Could do nothing but laugh. I love her dearly and she's my last living grandparent, but that shit was still hilarious.
All these moments I'm consitently reminded of. They had nothing to do wit hthis incredible party. That party is not what gave me my fame. That party was not about any one of those particular events. It was the moment that these poor tortured kids, tormented their whole lives just because htey had some better study habits or better memories. They... er... well.. we all realized that we were still the kids eveyrone told us we were better than. We were all fucked up. Not ust by al lthe liquor and weed going around. No we were just as fucked up as everyone else. And not only that, but none of us were any better than anyone else. We were for at least one night just as fucked up as the rest of the world.
It's not that we weren't for any other night of any other year. It's that our big bad ass brains motivated our parents to encourage us to stand above everyone else. But it was never an option for us. And when the shit came down, we got retarded. We changed our school. We changed our generation as far as we're concerned.
Fo the first time in our lives we were real people. We realized that all that bullshit society told us about smarts and vices and being studious and making something of yourself was a big fuckign lie. A dream forced down our throats by people who figured it would make us better.
Without realizing that we needed to be human first.