Karmantic
2007-10-30 5:04 a.m.
I vaguely recall when I first learned about Karma. It was at a time I was thoroughly confused - learning about both science and religion within a couple hours of each other. Back then, my mind dangled upside down from the monkey bars (over concrete) chalking the timeline of human history - trying to figure out whether Adam and Eve came before or after the dinosaurs. Private school fucked me up. If you would like to understand the basis of my mistrust in systematic education especially in the presence of religion, start there.I've long since shaken most of the church's fear-inducing whacked out stories for things more concrete. And while trying my best to assimilate at least Some of my spiritual learning to real life, I found myself gathering a solid understanding of Karma.
What bothered me most was the mystical idea of Karma. That the universe somehow magically corrects itself according to the 'good' and 'bad' we do. It didn't really make very much sense in the real world. Whenever I'd been fucked over, the person who'd done me wrong seemed to go on just fine. Whenever I'd slighted someone, I tended to get away with things. Obviously the magician behind karma had retired.
Eventually some perspective came my way...
A guy claiming to be a friend stole money I was saving for a new pair of turntables. He stole 2 oz's of weed out of my garage. He took my girl. The two got drunk and naked and left messages on my voice mail (on my pager) bragging how they'd gotten over on me. In the back of my mind something said the world would correct things. I'd forgotten about them in short time in preference to re-earning that money and getting my turntables.
Five years later, I heard that the girl dropped out of college with a coke habit. The guy got cracked out. Habits they likely started with my $1200. Nobody talks to either of them anymore. They're lost in Chicago somewhere and nobody gives a damn. I figured maybe there might be something to the whole Karma thing.
But that was the only obvious example I'd been given. And in time I'd forgotten about them as well. I grew up. I learned about controlling one's own path and destination within every second of every day. I learned that when I was good to everyone, everyone was good to me. The amazing part was that I began to see the good side of very bad people. Even they would tread lightly with me. As if I'd been surrounded by an aura of sorts harnessing good energy and all that new age bullshit.
But karma isn't quite so magical. The only way for people to "get what's coming to them" is if someone gives it to them. It becomes a numbers game. If you fuck enough people over, eventually someone will snap and slit your throat. If you're nice to enough people, eventually someone will be nice back.
And so I made sure I was 'good' to everyone. At least to the best of my abilities. I remained optimistic. I offered everything I had to anyone in need (within reason). I gave every friendship my all. I gave everyone the benefit of doubt eventually understanding the relativity of intelligence. It became habitual. I found myself being 'good' sans effort. I found myself being horribly honest, but with good intentions. I gave every commitment my entire being and every being my entire commitment.
The numbers added up. I could do no wrong.
Time goes by...
At the beginning of this year, work had gotten far too heavy. More specifically, work had been far too heavy for years, but it had finally caught up to me. I'd committed what could only be considered career suicide. I quit without warning. I didn't even let anyone know I quit. I just disappeared. As far as my friends and clients were concerned I'd dropped off the face of the planet. I had calls regularly asking if I was ok. I had legal threats. I didn't return any of them. I was just at home with my new girl avoiding the world trying to recuperate.
I figured I was finished. I'd have to get a job. I'd have to start at the bottom of some industry I didn't care about and wither into obscurity.
September came. I sent out apology letters to my abandoned clients. I caught up with old friends. I humbly threw myself at the feet of anyone willing to spit on me. I threw my face into the well deserved punch awaiting me.
Every last one of them offered a hand to lift me up and dust me off. The clients offered me work. The colleagues asked how they could help. The friends offered free drinks and laughs. And then the completely unexpected...
Everyone I thought I'd bored to absolute death with my ridiculous grandiose ideas peeled through the woodwork and asked when we should get started. When I humbly explained how I couldn't handle the tasks at hand, they inspired me in the way they say I'd inspired them for years. They recited my own drunken speeches to me and explained how my rants gave them a purpose. They placed me at the helm and asked what I needed of them.
I'm thoroughly humbled. Any arrogance I'd once held has been replaced by a humble confidence. I'd love to claim is as undeserved, but nobody will allow me such a proclamation.
And so... I'm back to work. Hopefully there will be some great things to come.