"Out"
2007-11-06 6:00 a.m.
One would think that after living with someone for 4 years, I would have learned to understand the questioning of my destination while leaving when the sun is down. At one point, I'd thought asking me such things was so ridiculous that I once chuckled "I'm leaving you." as I put my socks on readying myself for a trek to another day within my cigarette addiction. That poor girl. You want to talk about stupid responses? Once I got back form the store I had to console her for a couple hours. It took me a week to calm her nerves after that one and I'm sure she never quite felt right asking me about where I was going again.It wasn't done on purpose, but sometimes it can be hard to tell. I say shit that steps beyond the realm of funny and pinches the nerve sans effort. You would be thoroughly amazed at how often I am literally biting my tongue in the presence of others. It's RARE that I can actually speak my mind. Of course, I don't find the things I say to be all that harsh. What's worse is that my closest friends 'get me', or at least, they don't react so harshly to my words as most people do. It seems that no woman of interest ever 'gets me' quite so well (besides those within the close friends just mentioned).
So, of course, when going to the store at 4 am, since I'm back to my nicotine habit, my present live-in girl sleepily requests to know where and why I'm going out so late. I snap back with a quick burst, but catch myself before actually saying anything that I would find funny for the moment.
"Who the fuck Cares?!
Who gives a shit where I'm going? This is where I live. All my shit is here. Even if I did leave for good, that, in itself, defines the fact that you're better off without me. And if something happens to me? What is knowing where I am going to do for you? I'm a monster of a man. If someone is twisted enough to harm me somehow, what the hell is anybody else going to do about it?
Beyond this fact, if you've been around me for longer than a day, you'll know that day and night are one in the same for me. I am a 24 hour person - totally and completely. I barely even notice the difference between noon and midnight. The only reason I even use clocks is to make sure I'm not calling someone when they're likely sleeping, and because of this I almost never call anyone anymore. Otherwise, my world consists of email, im and downloaded movies and tv shows. I've no schedules that involve time - at all ever. Not in business. Not in my personal life. I talk to people all over the planet 24 hours a day. It's always noon somewhere. Who am I to claim my noon is more important than anyone else's?
It's likely I'm not out doing something incredibly fucked up. And if I am, you likely know what that fucked up thing would be. I don't even know where I am most of the time, how the hell am I supposed to tell you!??! Just figure the following to be true. If I'm not here, I'm likely at or on my way to a place to find nicotine, booze, good conversation or creative stimulation. Otherwise, I wouldn't waste my time.
I'm not sure I'll ever really understand the needs of some people. I get better at recognizing that the needs exist all the time, but then its a matter of deciding whether it's worth heeding those needs. Do I really want to answer every time I go two blocks away? I can compromise. If I'm leaving for longer than, say, 4 hours, I'll say something. Otherwise, fuck off. Honey.