Look at Me
2005-08-13 1:13 a.m.
I wrote this the day before I left Chicago. It was in haste as my girl was in the next room. The plan was to post it when I left, but she took the day off on my last day in town and well, I had better things to do than clean this up and post it� Well, I�m not rewriting this thing, else, it would never make it here� so�---
I�ve just spent a month with the woman who�s held a great deal of my head, heart, and writing space for the past 4 months as of today. It�s been the longest breakup in history. A move I would only recommend to the most retarded of our species. Take any breakup you�ve been through and extend to a month and you may begin to have an idea.
Scratch that. You�d have no idea, as this was as eccentric as those involved, and well, I have no idea how well I cover up my own eccentricities, but I am definitely a weird fucker.
I had no idea what to expect, and we hadn�t planned for this stretch of time. The original plan�
I had to go to NY to ship all my shit out of my ex�s apartment. I figured it would be great to spend a week with my girl on the way out, so I planned a week stop in Chicago, a week in NY and then a flight back to sunny California.
Now, I knew the relationship was winding down. My girl HATED the distance, and I wasn�t a huge fan but I was down to deal� No less I�m not quite sure how she felt about me and recent events pointed to conclusion. Well, at least a last week together and a face-to-face break up would be in order.
Within 2 days of my stop in Chicago, she made it apparent that it needed to be over NOW. We had a dinner with my family� Don�t get me wrong, I triple checked that a dinner with a few of my cousins and parents was cool. She was down. By the end of the evening, I had a thorough stumble, and she kept up, so I know she was off as well. At the second bar I noticed her ugly side peeking through� I�d hoped we�d find our way home and asleep before things got ugly.
She had her reasons for going nuts, and to this day, I can�t say I know what they are. My end of the argument was basically, �does this have to be NOW?!� Yes sir, experience has a good eye on good / bad timing for an argument. My personal experience generally states that there�s no good time for such a volatile argument, but should there be one, this was the worst of all times.
I remember bits and pieces� I recall one particular instance (which we joked about later) when I asked her something personal and she refused to look at me and answer� In my dramatic drunkenness I proclaimed, �Look at the mother fucker you�re hurting!!! I said look at me, motha fucker!!!� after which, I proceeded to pack my shit and stumble to my car.
I was FAR too wasted to be in public, far less drive, so I threw my shit in the trunk of my rental and passed out in the back seat. Within 5 minutes I was awoken by a flashlight in my face and a knock at the window.
�You live around here?�
�Well, I was staying around the block, but I seem to be homeless until I sober up�
�I suggest you find a better place to sleep.�
So, I called her� �I�m coming back up�
She opened her door. I was pissed, but as soon as I saw her, I just wanted to hold her. We went upstairs with a lil after-talk and I passed out. By the next day we were volatile, but ok. This was a good thing on a few levels, as most of my couch options are in a bit of turmoil this summer. Not that I have nowhere to sleep, just that every option carries its own weight of annoyance and lack of internet access (ie, can�t get work done).
By the end of the week, we were relatively happy but still ready to call it quits. I dropped the silly spontaneous allude to a road trip to NY, which I�d expected to be just as spontaneously shot down.
And there I was, changing my itinerary, buying her a ticket from NY to Chicago and renting a one way car to NY. And then there we were on a road trip, harlem bound.
After a great week in NY (with on major bump, but no others), we get wasted, and while hungover the next day we pack up and get ready to catch our planes and let it all go.
�Have you seen my purse?�
�I�m pretty sure I remember you having it in the cab, and even on the way up to the apartment, but that�s kinda fuzzy�
And after a half hour of searching, we knew.
And there I was, changing my itinerary, renting a one way car to Chicago. And then we were on a road trip, Chicago bound.
Unfortunately, all the ticket changes and purchases left my credit card hungry for the respective refunds. My bank account was cleared by the shipment of my shit. My client check that I deposited before I left� bounced a week ago. In other words I was completely broke for the moment. Ok� Call G, have him deposit my incoming check and we�ll be good.
He couldn�t forge my signature (not by moral restraint, but rather by inability to get it right), so he mailed it next-day. Ok, one more day� and then 5 days for the check to clear. So� yeah... 10 days stranded in Chicago with the woman I came to reluctantly leave. As much as one would expect a breakup to grow more and more sour with time together� well� it didn�t.
I mean, sure, we were a bit annoyed with each other at times. We�d already been over the reasons it was all over a couple times. We�d already accepted that it was all over. We were happy to spend this last bit of time together. We�d also spent every minute of every day together (besides work) for the past month. And it was still good. Very good.
Near the end we were even making jokes about saying fuck it all and getting an apartment together. We knew it was bullshit, but considering how we work (ie spontaneous trip to NY), we also knew even joking could be dangerous. We considered checking out a couple places for the fun of it, but were too silly and drunk with each other�s presence to be sensible about it. And alas, even though fantasizing the idea of my new roommate back here in my home city was fun, I have shit to do� as does she.
And here I am, leaving the day after our 4 month anniversary. I love her to death and I miss her like hell. But this time together has dissipated any anger about the situation. It showed us both that in another life it may have worked. It proved to us that we were both in love. And I still can�t come up wit ha single reason not to be with her besides the fact that she doesn�t want to be with me� (I know� pretty big reason)
I�m just not mad about it any more.
---
And as a follow up� it�s true... I�m not mad about it. I understand every letter of it, as I did from the beginning. This wasn�t going to work. But fuck anyone or anything that tries to tell me I can�t do what the fuck I want regardless of the odds.
It doesn�t help that when we were good, we were really good. It doesn�t help how surprised everyone is when I tell them it�s been over. It doesn�t help that we have awkward conversations in which we have to censor each other so as not to piss each other off. It doesn�t help that I�ve limited escape from the vice my head seems to enjoy for the moment.
And there�s an idiot within who hopes that something might change for us. Something might go some certain way that might somehow bring things together. And the other 14 voices in my head throw broken bottles at him and laugh hysterically. Hopeless romantic fool, I thought we got rid of you years ago.
Well, he�s there. And he won�t stop stabbing me in the god damned stomach.