Love

2003-06-09 5:18 a.m.
So after about 2 days I finally got my reminiscent streak out of my head. It was either get over it or do something stupid like find a way to contact ol' girl.

So I held myself back. No google searches. No contacting of her relatives (I have her cousin's number and father's number around here somewhere). Nothing. Just whined internally and daydreamed of a second chance. Had a really good dream about it and that was enough.

Love is wonderfully tortuous.

With the subject slightly on my mind, I had hit the bar to get some pool on with the regular hustlers at my once regular spot. I needed to clear myself. I ended up conversating with 2 girls and some guy about love.

No, I wasn't starting stupid corny conversations with people I don't know. They were argueing and nabbed me in passing to ask my opinion. There were strangely poking and prodding a bit deep, but as I'd been a bit more open than usual recently, I humored them...

The not me's of this conversation are a mixture of all of them.. mostly the 2 girls... The guy sighed throughout, but jumped in as I started defending some parts of his arguement as well. He seemed to be kind of a dick, but alright in the end.

Are you friend with any of your ex girlfriends?

Hmm.. yeah.. most of them. The ones still willing to talk to me.

Like good friends?

Very.

Bullshit!! No way. You don't get jealous!?

Of what?

Well whatever, do you still love them?

(unhesitently - inturruptingly, even) of course!!

Do you have a girl now?

Yep.

You love her?

Absolutley.

Does she know you love your ex-girlfirneds?

Of course!!

And that doesn't piss her off?

... it continued....

The basic point I had argued is the absurdity of 'conditional' love. If you don't love someone that you once loved, then you never did. That's the idea. The whole point of the emotion is a lifelong attachment. NOT a lifelong relationship.. a lifelong attachment.

The fact that "unconditional" is considered an optional description of the emotion deletes the actual meaning.

I mean, I'm far from a romantic any more. I grew up as one. Grew up under my mother, father barely around. Alienated by a lot of kids. Not nerdy, but definitely misunderstood. Ideas of love, being scared of sex, daunted by dating and infidelity and everything that resembles love and relationships. I romanticized.

After a few tries at it - successfully and failing miserably, I think i have a thorough understanding.

the true bane of love and relationships isn't the loss of love.. it's the lack of any to begin with. Add on top of that insecurity, vanity and jealousy - and it's amazing that anyone ever hooks up.

I make it a point early on with anyone I become tight with, oh btw - i see it as a universal thing and not something tied to a woman and a man. I love my girl, like I love my homie. Although I don't consider sex with my boys as that doesn't interest me.

The thing is, if you get a good understanding of what love entails, you find that insecurity and jealousy fly out the window. The friends vs. relationships drama... gone. Most issues regarding love disappear.

I always make it known early on that trust is number one.. Always. Friend, girl, whatever. I rely and depend on trust and if we lose that trust I'm gone.

Second, Jealousy is mistrust. Unacceptible (beyond the inherent insecurity that the media gives us.. but that's allowable on a case by case basis).

Third, I love you like I like my boys and vice versa. If I'm needed, I'm there. There is NO priority. Deal with it or be out. I'll still love you even if you can't stand me.

I live love - as some of my very own readers have tested [ ;) ]...

I make these points every time, and it hasn't failed me yet.

I explained these points to the 3some at the bar, and argued every word of it. It seems that some feel simplicity and love dont make sense together. Hence, conditions.

In the end, they bought me a drink for joining the conversation with insight. And I bought them a round for helping me clear my head.

I gave pounds all around the pool table, broke the fuck out and talked to some homeless guy for 20 minutes. bought him a slice of pizza and headed home.

Time to go for a run..