Meathead

2006-11-28 9:20 a.m.
So this stuff can get rather entertaining� The entertaining bits in a moment�

I did meet a very nice girl the other day who was interesting in every way besides size. She was actually, in a physical manner, a solid mix between my sister (very close long term friend) JT and the redhead from that 70�s show. JT is a big girl with a very pretty face and the primary person with whom I generally hold very long and in-depth conversations about whatever-the-fuck. Her brain dwarfs mine by magnitudes and we tend to disagree on quite a bit, but get along incredibly well (sorry, ramble, just got off the phone with her).

So CF, the girl I�d met on Wednesday reminded me ALL too much of JT. You see, CF is a redhead with a pretty face and just a big girl. Not disproportionately big. She looked like a �normal� girl in her picture. But she�s 5�10�. Essentially, she could take me.

Not that a woman who could potentially �take me� is a worry of mine. I don�t have issues with women�s strength or feel that somehow lessens my manhood or any shit like that. I generally don�t have pride issues along those lines. BUT, she�s a bit big for my taste. And that was the issue. Sweet girl, lots of fun, music Junkie.

And I mean Music Junkie. She was a freelance lighting technician for 10 years and has been on the road with many musicians we�ve all heard of as well as plenty of jazz musicians none of us have. She Knows her music, a trait which gives me fucking goosebumps. And she was incredibly sweet, fun, could drink, etc. All good.

And a bit aggressive. We stepped out for a cigarette and she took my face over for a bit, which I didn�t mind too much. Far less than the Brit from the night before. And I did invite her to my place so she wouldn�t have to make the long trek home, but insisted that she knew that nothing was going down, which had been well within her plans. Back to my place in a cab, slept like a drunken baby, made breakfast, walked her to the train, all good.

And I tried. (not that, �no strangers� stands firm). But the truth is, I just can�t get down with big girls. They don�t do it for me. And it�s not that I like anorexic chicks either as they disgust me. Big girls don�t disgust me; counting ribs does. I like this girl, but I�m just not attracted. Which is important. Call me what you will. Attraction is Important.

So, that was cool and she�s nice and my conversation with AW about it�

�I dunno man, I�m just not attracted to her. I�ve no idea how to tell someone you�re not attracted to them without just saying it.�

�You gotta give her the friendship speech�

�Well, I don�t know about that. Fuck a speech. Just nonchalantly state that I�d rather be �friendly� and continue the conversation in hopes that it�s cool.�

�Right, the friendship speech�

�Ha. Dick. Yeah, I guess�

---

So on Saturday, I went to my boy WR�s wedding. He�s never really been the marrying type as he has two kids with two separate women (12 and 16, I think), so I thought this day wasn�t really coming any time soon.

Now don�t get the wrong ideas. WR�s a good friend. I know him well. He�s intelligent and responsible (owner of a restaurant and an IT company � both successful). I�m not sure how he was when his kids were born, but I know that for at least the past 6 or so years that I�ve known him, he�s been supporting both mothers and both of his daughters, rent and all. He�s a good guy.

So, it was an occasion that this guy, who barely gets enough free time to enjoy a drink or dinner with friends and who may not be the most trusting of women, was into a woman enough to be with her for good.

I splurged on the first suit I�ve owned in 13+ years, grabbed the best gift left on the registry, called RB to see if he was going and how he was getting there (his girl drove). I looked Damn Good. Sent out a couple texts to people who knew I was suit shopping

�Nice to know what you�re gonna look like on the cover of Fortune Magazine�

The reception was insane. Some spot in Jersey that�s like the Mecca of wedding receptions. I�d NEVER seen such a good cover band. I mean they covered shit ranging from Luther to Etta James to Jay-Z (rhymes and all). And ALL were on point. I was speechless.

The crowd was a trip. WR is Jamaican. First American born in his family (with older siblings). So half his family had to be flown in from Jamaica. The bride�s family was the clich� Staten Island Italian Family. They were perfect. Parents with the strong accents denoting that they�d probably come here at some point in their lives. And the rest of the family just fitting the clich� well � not to a detriment, mind you. I was a fan of this crowd.

The night went well overall. Nothing specific to detail besides WR and his new wife being really happy, the place being fucking nuts, and my nice new suit. I�d never thought much of getting married. Don�t care if I elope or do the insane magical whatever-the-fuck should I get married at some point. But this thing at least gave a bit of credence to the latter.

Oh, right. And there was an open bar. WR says that was specifically added for me. As silly as such a thing may sound, I think he was being honest. You can�t help but love some people.

---

And so, this leads me to Sunday. I made sure to put a solid dent into My open bar, but as much as we ate, I was sober enough to end up in the city to wander a bit more. So Sunday was a bit wobbly.

I had to get to work, but my brain was non-functional. I got a text from a chick on one of the dating sites that I wasn�t too sure about. I was actually a bit sorry that I�d responded to her. Not in any bad way, just that it didn�t seem it would go well from our emails (and her profile left little to hope for). Mind you I�m still a bit weary of the dating site thing and I don�t respond to about 90% of the emails I get.

I didn�t want to do shit but lie in bed, but then I remembered the Bears game and found out it wasn�t playing here, so I HAD to go into the city. K mentioned that she liked to watch football, and she was prodding me to ask her out (via text) through the weekend, so I figured why not.

Called her to set it up. Somewhere in that conversation�

�I seem to be a meathead magnet. I don�t know why. Probably my big tits and big ass�

�Alright, well I�m not too worried about all that just yet. Just meetin� ya.�

We set up to meet at the place with 20+ big screens on Park Ave�

She was impressed by the place. Good, she really does like football. Helps. She looked ok. Not unattractive. Not necessarily attractive to me but I could see how guys would definitely dig her.

She seemed to feel a bit awkward. I mentioned to JT the other day that I rather like doing this stuff now (at this age). No awkwardness. I�m comfortable in my skin and not worried about impressing anyone so I can come off completely as myself. It makes all of this a breeze for me.

I try to avoid mentioning the dating site thing as it�s kind of like talking about past relationships. Not the best foot to jump from. She jumped right into it. (paraphrase) �They�ve all been sweet and most have become friends� except one weirdo who� blah blah (nothing terrible). My father�s a cop, my brother�s a cop�� etc.

Ok, fine. But this conversation just didn�t seem to want to go anywhere. She wasn�t putting in much effort. My efforts didn�t get very far� She asked about what I do, and I talked a little bit about it, but the interest didn�t hold. Ok, fine�

�So, how do you pay your rent?�

�I�m a secretary�

�Ok, cool. For whom?�

�An architectural firm�

�Ah ok, so you�re interested in architecture?�

�No, not at all. You know that architects have the 2nd highest suicide rate? It�s from all the stress. I have to shut my phone off when I leave work cuz they�ll call at all hours. But my boss is an ass so I think they�re getting bought out and I�ll probably be out of a job.�

Ah� another opening

�I see, so what are you thinking of doing after?�

�Well, I can get another secretary job anywhere�

Maybe not� Hmm� Alright�

�So what do you do when you�re not paying rent?�

�Not much�

Ok, I�d usually start getting into music or something here, but we�ll go basic�

�Do you watch TV at all?�

�No, not really�

�Not at All?�

�Well I watch sportscenter all day, but sometimes that gets real corny, so then I�ll either go out with my girls or just go to sleep�

Man� I�m stranded in a conversational desert here� I don�t give a fuck about sports, so that�s going nowhere�

�Any places you and your girls like to go?�

�Oh I don�t know where they are, we just sort of jump around. So what do you do when you�re not working?�

Alright, well, as much as I like to talk, I�m not letting this conversation be about me. But Maybe� just Maybe she�ll relate to something here�

�I�m kind of all over the place. I don�t sleep much, so� read, check out new music and rediscover old music, write, draw, paint, discuss strange things with strange people, watch an occasional movie and a little bit of tv, invent ideas for world domination and climb trees.�

Nothing. As if I just said I just watch sportscenter all day.

There was no hope. But the bears game was on. I tried. I really, truly tried. But I�m just going to have to start watching the game. I want to see the game and this conversation is useless. She was glancing at the tv at times as well, so it was natural to just start watching the game.

Every couple minutes I�d glance over in hopes she might have Something to say. Anything. She�d give me the high-brow glance and a small sigh depicting a silient �so you�ve nothing to say?� Nearly 10 minutes pass and she�s laughing.

�What�s goin on?�

�This guy�s been trying to park his car for the past 5 minutes�

I look out and the poor bastard is doing a Terrible job of parallel parking, with his wife standing at the curb directing him. Thought it was funny, but overall uninteresting. Paid some attention, but very little.

�Look at him, he just looks Stupid!!�

I turn, he�s gotten out of the car and is locking his doors.

�What do you mean he looks stupid? Looks just fine to me�

�No way, he looks retarded!!�

Ok, that�s not going anywhere either. Unless we�re about to get into some sort of no-he-doesn�t-yes-he-does, of sorts.

She�s growing uncomfortable with the quiet. I could care less. Regardless of the game, I�m perfectly fine with not saying anything.

�Look, it doesn�t really bother me, but it seems you�re not too happy that we don�t have much to talk about�

�Well it is pretty odd�

�I dunno, sometimes people just don�t have shit to say. We�ve both mentioned hangovers at some point�

�I just don�t think we have much in common. I mean you like music, and you invited me to listen to some Jazz, which just sounds So boring to me.�

(which was fine, actually - because�)

�Actually, I mentioned a restaurant next to a jazz club. Anyways, I�m sorry if you�re uncomfortable. I don�t mind so much. I�d like to say fuck it, lets just get drunk together, but you drove here�

�Oh, I�d never drive drunk.�

�Right, that�s uh� that�s what I was saying�

10 more minutes pass. She asks for the check. I pay it (she did offer the tip). 5 more minutes pass.

�Look, it doesn�t bother me if you have to go. It won�t offend me or anything. I know you�ve got other shit to do, so by all means�

�No, I wouldn�t do that�

�Ok, I dunno. You seem rather uncomfortable. I could sit here in silence for the next 8 hours happily�

�I�d be crawling up the walls�

�Right, exactly. So honestly, don�t sit here on my account.�

She looks around.

�They don�t give a fuck, they�re watching the game. And it doesn�t bother me at all. No use sitting here uncomfortably�

�Are you sure?�

�Absolutely�

She put her coat on, kiss on the cheek, sorry it didn�t work out, etc. Me too, fine, etc.

�Look, maybe next time you should come up with something more clever to say�

I nearly spit my beer in her face from laughter. Wow. Keep composure. First immediate thought: Maybe you should try being a little more interesting, you might attract less meatheads if you weren�t one� No no no� It�s funny to me, but overall useless.

�Well, that does, in-fact work both ways. Anyways, it was a pleasure to meet you. Have a great evening.�

She left. I finished my beer. Five minutes later the Bears lost.

---

Bonus Track. Later than night, I�d just gotten off the phone with RS. I started knocking out. I get a call. �Private.� I don�t answer private�s and unknowns. I check my message in the morning.

�Heeyy, this is Mindy from California! I hope you remember me. I miss you sooo much!� Some sexual, yet silly groaning, a little giggling and a hangup.

She prank called me. She did. I just know.

That, my fortuitous friends, is fucking funny.