Ready To Set Sail

2006-10-14 11:25 a.m.
I'm sitting in an empty room, drinking a celebratory whiskey out of a measuring cup. It's the only glass and drinking whiskey our of plastic doesn't have the right feeling to it. My ex left for PA today taking the last of her things. She'll be off to Tinidad in 3 days. IC huffed and puffed but finally left on Wednesday. This place is finally all mine. Cleaned up the bedroom and moved my old comfortable bed and nightstands in. All I've left in my living room is my old desk, old tv, old stereo, a couple large speakers and an empty bookcase. I still have to get to the West Coast to grab my shit, but otherwise, I'm in a good place.

There's plenty to do (work and in this apt) and I'm looking forward to doing it... Well, after this celebretory drink.

So I'll leave you today, with some excerpts from the past couple weeks.

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"You're no good for people. Everyone around you is all fucked up." -NE.

Actually, it's not his, though he does say it to me often. It's a quote from the Wire. NE equates me with McNulty. Don't even know if he's still on the show as I'd only seen the first season, but I liked his character.

And of course, it's in jest - but the best jokes are the ones that pinch the nerves beneath the fingernails. And of course, I believe it at times. Most of the time, actually.

---

I remember I used to write poetry and whatnot. DJ'd poetry sessions in the mid 90's when that was the deal. Incense and oils and jazzy chill beats and whatnot... Used to be a big Erykah fan. Well, still am... but whatever. I'm bumpin "Next Lifetime"... and if you don't know the song, basically she's got some dude trying to hook up and her issue is that she likes dude, but she's already hooked up... Familiar situation that I'm sure many of us understand personally.

So her response: "I guess I'll see you next lifetime".

Now... ok. Fine. People believe this. Jury's out on reincarnation and the soulful incense huffing types (again, i'd been one) tend to love oras and next lives and all that bullshit and that's all fine. But then part of the break is "maybe we'll be butterflies".

What the fuck is that?!!?

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm really feelin' you."

"Well, you know I'm feelin' you too, but... you know I'm with somebody"

"I'm not worried about all that, we can make this work"

"Yeah but... I dunno. I really love him."

"Well... yeah, I understand..."

"Maybe in the next lifetime"

"Ri-- um... what?"

"You know... in the next lifetime, we'll meet up and we'll fall in love"

"Wait... in the-- what?!"

"Maybe we'll be butterflies"

"What th-- I'm trying to--- what kind of craz-- ..the fuck? man... fuck this, I'm going to hollar at your girl."


---

No more children...

For the past 6 years I have been babysitting. people living off of me. dealing with their lack of organization, their problems with getting me rent, their job issues, their money issues... just their shit. fuckers just don't have it together. for the first time in 6 years, it's all me. i don't owe anyone anything. nobody's living under my roof. i'm not cosigner for anyone. Nobody owes me rent. The children are all off on their own to fuck up on their own time. For once I get to live life, not as an umbrella, but as a normal fuckhead to deal with my own god damned problems.

Huz-motha-fuckin-zah.

---

I'm such a sucker for out-of-my-league. Not that I actually believe in leagues and if I did, I'm sure I'd put myself in the majors or not at all. But others do... They live by them. And I tend to live by others to some extent. So yeah.

I'd sworn myself off of asian women. And I'd sworn myself off of college girls. And truth be told, she was a beautiful brunette long before I found out she was half-chinese and finishing law school.

Twas before I'd ever even considered staying in NY - my 3rd night in town. I was still exhausted from Chicago and looking forward to a decent night's sleep after a crazy night out with old friends. AW doesn't have an ID (had his bag snatched a couple months ago), and I know the owners at the red place covered in doilies, so we went there so I could get him in. While ordergin a drink, I happen upon this beautiful woman to my left sitting alone sans smile. In LA this would have been a disaster for so many rediculous reasons. In NY it was all opportunity.

And so here I am - two weeks in, a lil drunk, giddy as a fucking kid. We met for a couple drinks tonight and ended up pushing the hours. She got me. Solid from jump. Tax law - awaiting results from the bar exam... Southern. Beautiful. Talkative. Cynical. Drunk. Decent pool player.

She'll hate me within a week. I'm positive of it. I'm not thinking-that-way, believe me. King of kings in this city. But I know things... it's all downhill from tonight. There's little choice as tonight was solid. And if it's not a boiling pot of shit in a week, I'm looking forward to the ride. But three weeks is my long-shot bet.

---

August, 2001... I Signed the lease, grabbed my keys and came up to this place. Completely empty. Clean. Plain White Walls. I felt accomplished. Making good money working around Wall Street. Nice brooklyn apartment - perfect for one, ten minutes out of manhattan.

I looked at it as if a boy on a ship excited about the adventure I'd just signed up for. Looking out to the sea, romanticizing about pirates, storms, beautiful island women and whatever else floated our way.

I'd no idea what a storm was. I'd been through quite a few tosses, but I'd never seen the eye of the beast. Disasters, deaths, strange nights with strange people, a breakup, a makeup, 3 people in such a small place, all things terribly wrong and struggling to bear my unsober grin. It'd tossed me so thoroughly that I'd forgotten how great a ship this once was.

October, 2006... The storm's long subsided. I've sobered and the hangover is long gone. Tossed hair in the breeze and a bit of stubble on my 2 days unshaven face looking to the horizon once again. Swabbing decks and repainting the scuffs. I see what it was and again romanticize about what it will be. The confidence of experience strengthen the tattered sails.

IC finally gone. TD left for Trinidad. This place is mine. A bedroom of my own - which I'd never had the opportunity to enjoy in this place. Plenty of space for a full, comfortable living room. A call from my major client in LA: The check I've been expecting is coming on the 25th. And it's for a lot more than I expected. Just in time for my birthday. Clean, Paint, Furnish, Housewarming.

Ready to set sail once again.